More Than My Uterus

Here's my post on why I choose to be childfree. I wrote this 7 years ago and still stand by it all.

For some background about my past surgery and my birth control choices click here and then here. 

Ok, so now you're pretty much up to speed.

I had an ultrasound in the fall of 2018 and surprise surprise some pesky fibroids showed up. I've had symptoms for some time and now it had been confirmed. My gynecological group didn't seem concerned with them (even with my symptoms) and that was that. 

Fast forward about 6 months and I was at a new company that offers great medical benefits for surgeries that can be scheduled in advance. I even knew two people that had used this benefit so I started to look into it for myself. I had to choose one of their approved doctors. Then I went to my main GYN office to get another ultrasound aka photos of my uterus. They took a bunch of photos and while they looked around inside of me asked what was going on. When I proceeded to tell the two women in the room that I was hoping to get a hysterectomy one went silent and the other was at a loss for words, but only for a second, because then she asked "Yeah, but are you sure you're done having kids?" I corrected her and told her I didn't have any which made her mouth drop that much more. She gave me an awkward smile as I left the room and went to wait for the doctor. 

I had been going to this GYN office since I was 15. I had the same doctor for 17 yrs - until his death. He was the one who performed surgery on me and I always felt he understood my situation. Then I started seeing another doctor at the same office for a year or so until she moved out of state. So now I was stuck seeing a new doctor I was unfamiliar with to "explain my case" and go over the ultrasound photos. I was up front about wanting a hysterectomy for fibroid relief and permanent birth control. I explained (although it was right in my file) the trouble I had with the IUD and nexplanon implant. She suggested my husband get a vasectomy. Ok, first of all that doesn't solve my fibroid issue and they still aren't 100%. Also I want control over MY body not his. She seemed annoyed with me as if what I was asking was ridiculous. It didn't matter that I am 34 (soon to be 35) and have been with my husband for going on 15 years. Believe me when I say we've talked about having children. AD NAUSEAM. We have always circled back around to not wanting them. We've never even been on the fence. It is not the life we want as a couple and it's not the life I want for myself as an adult woman even without Dustin in the picture. I'm sick of medical professionals acting like I'm crazy for wanting permanent birth control. Doctors don't need to agree with us childfree people, they just need to be doctors and believe us when we say we don't want children. The doctor finally asked "What do you want from me?" and I told her all I needed were the photos to take for my consult with the other doctor I chose through my work. She printed all of the photos and although I got what I want I started to cry the minute I got into my car. I've always been judged for this decision (usually by randos) but never at this GYN office. They had always been so kind and understanding for the 20 years I've been going. They sent me a survey a few days later and I laid in to them. It felt good. 

I finally got to meet my other doctor right after Thanksgiving for my consult. I went in guns blazing ready to state my case, ready to fight for my body, ready to win. But I never needed to even touch the holster because my doctor was so incredibly understanding, patient, and listened to every word I said. She didn't rush me. She explained my options and she answered all of my questions happily. At the end of our conversation she said "I can do this for you. We will be in touch within the week to schedule the surgery." I got out to my car and sat there for a second completely shocked in the best way. I called Dustin and told him the good news. This is happening. 

Tuesday, January 28th, came fast. I followed all of the pre-surgery instructions to a T and before I knew it I was driving Dustin and I to the hospital. I checked in and we waited for a few minutes before they called me back. They wouldn't allow Dustin to come with me which I was bummed about (because he's always such a comfort in stressful situations) but I took it like a champ. 

No rush of anxiety. No tears. Just me sucking it up. 

The nurse gave me a little bottle of iodine and four q-tips to put up my nose. I hated this feeling so much. Then I had to brush my teeth with a little foam toothbrush. For my final act I had to put on the most hideous underwear you've ever seen with a pad because I was on my final period. Yeah, take that in a minute ladies. FINAL PERIOD. Like what. All of the leaks, the tied sweatshirts, the whispering for tampons, the cramps, the last day...except never mind it wasn't the last day, the make-shift toilet paper pads, etc. The bleeding and the pain from the bleeding is over. 

She showed me to my bay or booth or stall or whatever you call those places with beds that have walls but not a door (only a curtain). She put on socks for me and those sticky things on my chest. Then it was the part I had been dreading...the IV.

DUN DUN DUN. 

I told her how I am. (My mind immediately goes to that scene in the office when Michael says to Toby "Why are you the way that you are?!") She was incredibly sweet about it and said she will try and make it quick and painless. It hurt a bit and I audibly groaned as she kept coaching me through it until finally it was over. I got a little vomit-y (except I hadn't eaten in 18 hrs so there was nothing in my stomach). I slowly started to feel normal again and that's when they allowed Dustin to come back and wait with me until it was go time. My anetheseologist came by and started my cocktail of fun. I made sure to tell her in advance that I usually get very nauseous after anesthesia so she was able to avoid that from the start (and I never felt nauseous at all!). Then I just started laughing for no reason other than I was on drugs. Dustin got a lot of it on video thankfully so enjoy that below. But I just remember laughing hysterically and then feeling really groggy. It was hard to wake up but once I did the nurse gave me a sprite and saltines. That's apparently when Dustin came back in to see me. He said I was barely coherent with a million cracker crumbs on my chest. Sounds like any other feeding time of mine. We were there for an hour while I kept chompin' on them crackers. We were told I could leave as soon as I went to the bathroom. According to Dustin I just kept asking for crackers because I was too afraid to go to the bathroom so soon. The nurses told Dustin the pain meds only had a few hours left so he somehow talked me into getting up so we could make it home before that happened. I hardly remember walking to the toilet, peeing, and being dressed in the clothes I came in by one of my magical unicorn nurses. And suddenly I was being wheeled outside while Dustin waited in the car to take me home. I don't remember that car ride much at all but Dustin refreshes my memory in the video. 

I ate some soup and MORE CRACKERS when I got home, took some pain meds, and passed out. I had to wake up Dustin a couple times in the middle of the night to help me out of bed and sit on the toilet. He was a real sport about it all!

My doctor told Dustin (with photos) that she removed the fibroid, my uterus, fallopian tubes, and a lot of scar tissue from my previous surgery that hadn't shown up in the ultrasound photos but was wreaking havoc because it was pulling on certain areas. My ovaries are still hanging out so my hormones live on. 

I was home for two weeks recovering from the three small incisions (one on either side of my abdomen and one in my belly button). The worst part was the gas pains in my shoulder by far. I chewed on those little gas-x tablets like nobody's business. Apparently they pump air into you during surgery and afterwards you're left with excruciating pain! Cool. I was able to keep most of the other pain at bay with the pain meds. It was more of an uncomfortable pain rather than a scream-obscenities-into-the-air kind of pain. It did hurt to sneeze or cough or jerk my body quickly. I had to also make sure the cats didn't walk on me because that's such a classic cat move. We've been closing our door at nights just to be safe and every morning they are waiting at the door side-eyeing me like what the fuck mom. 

Dustin stayed home with me the first week which was a huge help because although I started to move around pretty well within a few days I still couldn't bend over for awhile. If I dropped something on the floor I just had to leave it. If the cats pushed something on the floor I had to leave that too. I felt so dumb and helpless for a little while. Dustin basically turned into a Bounty paper towel roll...the quicker picker upper. He brought me food. He waited outside the bathroom the first time I was allowed to shower. He helped me do it all. I can't thank him enough. I know it's a popular stereotype that men are helpless when they are sick but he doesn't want me to wait on him at all. It's actually annoying. I have gotten mad at him over it. Seriously. But when I'm sick I want to be coddled to the umpteenth degree and he delivers something fierce. He complained about litter DOODY (had to) daily but never anything else. My mom and aunt kept saying what a good husband I have and I couldn't agree more. 

Speaking of being grateful, HOLY SHIT, my people showed up in a huge and unexpected way. I got so many deliveries and texts with well wishes from everyone and I have never felt more loved. I even got a special visit from Marie and my mom wherein Cheeto finally acknowledged my mom's existence. THANK YOU ALL. And beyond the gifts and nice words I truly appreciate the support I've had. I wasn't super public about this decision but I told a lot of people and all of them were concerned about ME not that I would no longer have a uterus. I'm not sure if you know but women are more than that one organ. 

I was listening to a podcast as I tend to do and at the end he always asks the guests what they hope to be remembered for and I never really had a good answer but it suddenly came to me. I want to be known as "that woman who lived happily ever after without her uterus and kids". I want to be known for promoting choice for women - have kids or don't. I want all the young women and all the girls growing up right now to know that you can choose NOT to do something just as much as anything. Your life is yours and you get to choose how you want to live it. You don't have to follow society's expectations or your mom's dreams. Take advantage of living in the 21st century! Follow your own path and you'll be just fine.

Also I highly recommending watching the documentary 'To Kid Or Not To Kid' on Amazon or iTunes.

 

DAY OF                                                                  WEEK ONE