I haven't been blogging consistently this year because it is a dumpster fire out there and I have to conserve my energy but I found this note in my phone of Dustin's quotes over the past few months and wanted to share. I know I could use a laugh. I'm sure you could too. Also Jodi loved these.
It smells good in here but your attitude stinks.
I hope one day you're as proud of me as you are of that plant.
Me: I finished my pandemic book!
Dustin: Now you need to finish your pandemic life.
I miss our fights in the grocery store.
I just want something that makes me feel alive again and it's never ending breadsticks.
Olive, you're so annoying but so cute - just like your mother.
Asking Dustin to toss a pen.
Me: You threw that right in my face.
Dustin: I wanted to make sure you didn't miss it.
Angry about the bloodstain Cheeto left on our new white sheets.
Me: This is why we can't have nice things.
Dustin: This is also why we don't have kids. They ruin everything.
I like my tartar two ways; under control and as sauce.
Dustin to me, Pat, & Jessica:
What do you call the space above Lake Eola?
Areola!
-____-
Her name was Jodi but she was also called Jo, Jojo, and George.
She and I are cousins but since her mom (my aunt - oldest of 5) and my dad (2nd youngest) were so far apart in age so were we. She was in the middle of high school when I was born so we didn't grow up together in the way a lot of cousins do. But then she had Nikki when I was only four. I remember her telling me the story of how my dad brought me to visit them in the hospital after Nikki was born and my sassy four year old self told her to "scoot over" - in her own hospital bed. Nikki and I were cousins from day one but we became best friends as she got older. She and I spent most of my dad's court-ordered-every-other-weekend standard 90s divorce visitations with her. It certainly helped that they lived next door to him. Nikki and I were attached at the hip and on those weekends (and beyond) she looked after me the way she looked after her own daughter. I remember us all being obsessed with Sonic the Hedgehog (SEGA!) but Nikki and I being too young to get very far. We'd just watch her play for hours. I'll never forget when she beat the whole damn game. It was her accomplishment but it felt like a group effort. Ha! Just a couple weeks ago Dustin and I rented the new Sonic movie. I thought of her the whole time and even texted her afterward to tell her so. It was the last text I sent to her.
I remember her always doing our hair (big with lots of hairspray of course) and makeup for special events. I really loved when she made me into a dead cheerleader for Halloween one year. For my 8th grade social (the biggest deal there is - bigger than prom was for me) she picked me up from school early (told them she was my mom) and took me (and maybe Val?) to get our hair and makeup done at the mall. She dropped us off at my mom's house and stayed the entire time helping us make sure our dresses and jewelry were just right. She drove us to the dance and even came inside for a bit to take photos. Lots of the group photos I have from that dance were thanks to her. I wasn't embarrassed to have her there. I was proud that I had such a cool older cousin who in a lot of ways was like an older sister and sometimes even a mother.
She schooled Nikki and I in music with an emphasis on her beloved hair bands. She loved Motley Crue and especially Nikki Sixx something fierce, hence her daughter's name. She also loved heavy rock and metal and frequented concerts. My memory is a little hazy on this one but I remember the three of us driving down to South Florida when I was in high school to see Linkin' Park but we didn't make it in time. Sure it was a bummer but the journey was just as fun as the destination would have been.
She was a PASSIONATE Florida Gator fan but an even bigger Cowboys fan. I remember knowing who Troy Aikmen and Emmett Smith were by the time I was 7. Then years later I started dating a Steelers fan and for the last 15 years she and Dustin would playfully take jabs at one another.
After she married Rodney she moved to Alabama and I saw her much less frequently. She came down for my own wedding soon after and not only did Nikki perform our ceremony beautifully but Jodi was the one who made the whole thing legal by notarizing our marriage certificate. So in a way Dustin and I were married by both Nikki and Jodi and we're forever grateful for your love and support for us on that day and all the other random days too.
I'm always a little weary of new apps because there are just so many these days. How can they all be worth it, right? Another cousin of mine on the other side of my family (shout out to Hayley) convinced me to get snapchat many Christmas' ago. It seems like such a dumb thing but Jodi and I talked all the time, if not daily, via Snapchat up until her diagnosis. She wasn't big on phone calls so it really became such a perfect way to connect with her and feel like we're still apart of one another's daily lives. We both loved sending each other snaps of our pets. I'd also send her snaps of all the dumb things Dustin would do and she'd tell me how hilarious he is. I'm glad we could bring some joy to her from so far away. It really was such a fun way to keep in touch in between visits. I already miss that.
She was sarcastic and so stubborn and always late and a bit messy but damn did she love fiercely - her family, her friends, her pets, her children, and her husband. She was the most thoughtful person. I can't even count the number of times I'd come home from work and there would be a package at my front door from her for no reason other than she was thinking of me or Dustin or our cats. I mean, she'd even send Steelers stuff which is a HUGE deal for the biggest Cowboys fan ever. She was that thoughtful to everyone she cared about. She enjoyed making jewelry and I remember smiling every time I'd see her"check-in" on Facebook to her "Crafty Room" because I knew she was having fun.
For someone who always felt on the outside, especially on that side of my family, she sure had a way to always make me feel included. I think that's why I relate to her and Nikki so much. The three of us always marched to the beat of our own drum, but Jodi especially so, and proud as hell the entire time. I always admired that about her. She didn't give in to societies expectations when it came to religion or politics or stereotypes or any of it. She was unabashedly herself - take it or leave it. She certainly influenced me to be my true authentic self which started as a teenager but something I fully embraced in my 20s. Thank you for that Jo.
Thank you for the pool days and joint birthday parties. Thanks for all the sing-a-longs in your Honda Civic. Thanks for picking up Pookie when I was scared of him for growling at me. Thank you for being a part of my entourage to get my first tattoo on my 18th birthday. Thank you for the countless stories. Thank you for the love and support. Thanks for showing up. Thanks for the memories.
Love you forever,
Smashley/Ash-the-Smash
And to Nikki, Alex, Tracy, Rodney and every other single person who knew and loved her my heart breaks along with yours.
Yesterday I thought to look back on our old snapchat conversations not thinking I'd find much since the whole point of snapchat is to see something once only to have it disappear right after, but I was pleasantly surprised. Weirdly, coincidentally, and possibly magically I came across her request to use Flogging Molly's 'If I Ever Leave This World Alive' when her time came. She sent this to me over two years ago and I know we both thought back then that we had so much more time. That's what humans do. You assume there is still so much time. Although we didn't get as much time with Jo as we would have liked I take comfort in knowing she is no longer in pain and finally at peace. But all of this still hurts like hell. I did my best with the video below and included her requested song.
I've made it quite clear where I stand on my social media accounts but I also wanted to do the same here even though I haven't been as active recently due to 2020 as a whole. I'm going to keep it short because I'm a white woman in America and I need to be doing a lot more listening, learning, and supporting rather than running my own mouth.
I, much like a lot of white Americans, have a long way to go but I promise I am giving it my all from here on out.
I spoke up against my racist relatives comments and I am a good 5 relatives lighter for it. I have no regrets for the words or the losses but I have many regrets for all the times I wanted to and should have spoken up in the past. And there have been so many. SILENCE IS VIOLENCE.
I have ordered the book White Fragility: Why It's So Hard for White People to Talk About Racism by Robin Diangelo from Eye See Me which is a black owned book store (instead of buying via Kindle). I need to learn and I need to support. A full list of black owned bookstores. I also JUST realized as I was typing this that there is a black owned bookstore right here in town that I plan to also support.
I have watched 13th on Netflix and highly recommend you do the same. I learned so much. They don't teach you this shit in school so now it's on all of us to educate ourselves. I also plan to watch Selma, Just Mercy, LA92, etc.
I have mailed postcards and made calls in support of justice for Breonna Taylor and George Floyd.
I have sent in a volunteer application to help my county in the upcoming election.
Dustin and I have donated to Florida Bail Fund and Color for Change. Here's a full list of organizations who need donations.
I, however, have not protested. A friend of mine and I were discussing going last Saturday but when I brought it up to Dustin he wasn't in support of it solely due to Covid which is valid. I still wanted to go. I still would have gone but I respected his position on it and ultimately decided not to. I still don't feel right about not going. I have been to marches for women and science so it feels pretty fucking shitty not to join in protests for black lives. I understand the pandemic makes things trickier but even still I support every goddamn person out there who is walking in the streets for justice.
I only mention this list because I hope it inspires you to also do any or all of these things too. I'm not trying to show off and I'm not trying to shame but just show you there are all kinds of ways to make a difference and we all could be doing so much more. If you know of any other ways I can be helping this movement please let me know.
But more than anything listen to black voices. Like really fucking listen.
And finally a bunch of information I've been collecting the last couple weeks that I thought would be helpful to share.
Defund the Police.
This was confusing to me at first but now I totally get it and support it.
People are asking how I could be so pro-quarantine and now pro-protest. I’ll put it like this:
If the bus driver tells you to put on your seatbelt, you absolutely should. If the bus driver starts shooting passengers, it‘s probably worth unbuckling
It's been a week since we lost Dustin's grandma and I've thought of her often. I didn't see an obituary online so I made my own in typical me fashion, as a video, as a blog post. She was like a 4th grandmother to me (I know, how lucky am I to have had 4 when most people get 2, if that?!). She was so accepting of me into the family long before we ever even met and continued to treat me that way until the end. She cared for Dustin something fierce. You can see it in the photos below but I know it to be true from the memories and stories he shares with me. I saw it first hand for the past 15 years.
I will remember that she and I shared the love of the color purple and taking photos. I loved flipping through all of her big old school photo albums smiling and laughing at the same ones like it was the first time I had seen them. She loved movies and always had a stack of newly released DVDs next to her chair in the living room ready to watch. I'm talking Tom Cruise or Fast and the Furious kind of action. I'll miss sitting at the table in the middle of the kitchen listening to her and Dustin talk about the past. She was feisty and didn't take shit from anyone. She was hilarious a lot of times without even meaning to be. She was so incredibly talented with ceramics. She had a whole shop in her basement and would be delighted every time I asked to go down and paint something (which was literally every time we visited). My favorite ceramic is a skull that sits on my desk as I type this. I was just going to paint it one color but she taught me a technique to make it look dimensional and aged. She always wanted to take us all out for family dinners whether she was down in Florida or we were up there. She was easy going and let us come and go as we pleased during our visits. She always wanted to know how Cheeto and Olive were doing. She once thought email was delivered at the same time each day much like regular snail mail and I'll never stop thinking how hilarious and cute that is. She was so extremely giving. Dustin and I both share the fact that our childhoods would've been so much different had we not had our grandparents. I know he is forever grateful for all that they gave to him from the stuff to the experiences to a home base amidst all the moves.
Thank you for the memories.
Thank you for the laughs.
Thank you for always treating me like one of your own.
I've been trying to limit my social media scrolling because every time I just come across someone else NOT following the fucking rules to keep themselves and others as safe as possible given the situation. I no-joke unfollowed, muted, or just plain ass deleted at least 5 people (some of whom I'm related to and disgusted with) over the long weekend on various social media platforms. I can't just watch you be selfish and be ok with it.
Dustin said the other day "Yeah, I think you and I are the last two people actually social distancing." I know it's not true but it certainly feels that way. I can only think of a couple people I know who are as diligent as we are. A couple. I even think some days that some new development has been announced that I haven't read about so I go to the CDC website and NOPE. All the same guidelines are STILL in place.
I'm not trying to shame people but you know what maybe I am. I hate that I can't make people care about themselves or others. Do better.
I don't get going to crowded beaches. I don't get going to crowded restaurants. I don't get going to get a tattoo when all the reputable tattoo shops I know haven't reopened their doors yet. I don't get people going to friends or families houses unless they're outside SIX feet a part or at least in masks. Speaking of masks, I don't get why people are so fucking offended by a goddamn mask. Just wear the damn thing. You are not only protecting yourself but also others! How is that in any way infringing on your rights? It is such a simple ask.
Very American to decide we are bored with COVID and therefore it is over
We have not been to a restaurant (but we have ordered takeout!) or a retail store (but we have shopped online!) or hair salon (but we did cut Dustin's hair TWICE with beard trimmers) since March 15th. I haven't been to my gym since mid-March but still managed to work out every day of April and May (because it can be done at home). My gym actually just reopened yesterday so I called to ask them if I could either freeze my account until further notice or I'd cancel altogether. They allowed me to freeze my account which I was super thankful for. Do I miss the gym? Actually I fucking do. Do I want to have to work out at home/outside in gross Florida during the summer? Fuck no. But I rather do that than step foot in a gym even if they have upped their cleanliness this early in the pandemic.
The only places I go is the grocery store, my office building once a week, and the occasional take out (which has also been limited as I'm on a diet and have been strict since 5/1/20). Oh and I frequent the car wash but, you know, that doesn't really count since I don't get out of my car. I have seen ONE friend ONE time and we social distanced the entirety of the two hours we were together.
I understand everyone is stir crazy. BELIEVE ME. I am too. I live in a fucking 1,000 SF home and I can't wait to never look at these fucking walls again which is saying something especially as an introvert.
I understand you miss your loved ones. BELIEVE ME. So do I. I would love nothing more than to go shopping or grab coffee or go to a concert or meet up for book club with my friends but it's not in the cards at the moment. I'm heartbroken I won't get to hug Aubrie for her 13th birthday but that isn't going to stop me from dropping some presents off and waving and screaming from her driveway come Friday.
I understand it is taking a toll on mental health. BELIEVE ME. I'm back in therapy (FaceTime style) thanks to Covid-19 because I am severely depressed.
We are all going through variations of the same thing. We are all struggling to some degree which is why we should all be looking out for one another by following the instructions of the CDC, the experts, doctors, and scientists. I know the economy cannot stay shut down and I've seen some businesses really going above and beyond during this pandemic. Hats off to them for finding safe solutions and putting their employees and customers first (Costco, Chick-fil-a, Publix, several local establishments, etc.) If the phased reopenings were an inch the U.S. took a mile and it's never been more embarrassing to be an American. All the video footage from Mother's and Memorial Day weekends made me so anxious and upset. What the hell is wrong with people?
There are ways to see the people you love without touching. I've seen people having picnics in their front yards or doing birthday drive-bys or playing games via Zoom. There are ways to keep from going crazy. Actually there are more ways now than ever before - most are right at your finger tips and others you may need to get creative but yinz are all acting like straight up selfish brats. Can you imagine going through this even 20 or 30 years ago? We are all so lucky to at least have the technology to work from home or see someones face who lives 1,000 miles away instantly on the screen in front of us until this whole ordeal gets sorted out.
All I'm asking is for you to give a shit. For the essential workers who don't get to stay home. For those with underlying health issues. For you and yours.
Saw: My Zinzi girls! I actually saw them IN REAL LIFE last Sunday (for the first time in 6 weeks!) for Katie's graduation photoshoot. We practiced all of the social distancing rules which was easy and hard at the same time. We sat in each of our cars, windows rolled down, next to each other talking and commenting on the photos. It's weird not being able to hug someone right in front of you that you normally hug with every hello and goodbye. But seeing them in the flesh was plenty fuel to keep me going for awhile longer. The photos turned out great but I'm kind of bias since I'm the one who took them. Ha! But I'm just glad I could do something like this to help ease the blow of not having a normal graduation after all that hard work she put in over the last few years.
Feeling: Frustrated. Sad. Happy. Crazy. Confused. Impatient. Scared. Lonely. Depressed. Ok. Basically every feeling known to man. I will at least say I'm having more good days/moods than bad ones so that's progress as we close out the 6th week of quarantine. I'm still crying fairly often but it's usually due to something I'm watching and not because I feel like I'm losing my mind.
Watching:
DEVS (Science Fiction Thriller) - This show is wild and really makes you think! It was created by Alex Garland of The Beach (remember that young Leo movie?), 28 Days Later, Ex Machina, and Annihilation. So if this genre is your thing I highly recommend it.
Fargo (Black comedy/Crime drama) - Dustin and I finally joined this party 6 years after the fact. Ha! We had always heard how good it was and we were always interested in watching it but never got around to it until quarantine happened. Shit was good! It totally lives up to the hype. Onto season 2!
Felicity (Dramedy) - I've been watching this in between new stuff because it's my comfort show (just like The Office). Those two shows are like eating a big bowl of Mac and cheese but for my soul. I'm super biased since this is my favorite show ever to exist and also have a tattoo representing it on my body BUT I swear it's worth a watch even though it is 20+ years old. I mean, Keri won a Golden Globe for it and the series won a People's Choice for TV Drama! It's not on any streaming service but it is on the ABC app albeit with commercials.
Too Hot To Handle (Reality Trash) - Ya'll. Yinz. You guys. BUCKLE UP. I like bad reality shows as much as the next person but this one was truly wild. I can't believe I stuck it out for the whole thing but I did genuinely enjoy the ridiculousness of the whole thing. The premise is awful from the start - a house full of so-called hot people can't show physical affection if they want to win the grand prize. There was more underboob than I've ever seen in my life, the entire cast is so air-headed it physically hurts, but there is something I liked about it. Maybe because it was so fucking dumb it helped me just zone out and not worry about the ongoing pandemic we're in. Also it gave me old school Real-World vibes which hit me in the feels. Enter at your own risk with this one.
Feel Good (British Dramedy) - The lead (Mae Martin who created the show) plays a version of herself as a recovering actor and comedian in this delightful little show.
Mrs America (Miniseries Drama) - This show tells the story of the ERA (Equal Rights Amendment). I love historical shows but especially one about such an important time. Also I am living for Rose Byrne as Glorida Steinem! And Cate Blanchett is amazing but her character is annoying to say the least.
Listening to:
Hayley Williams - She's about to release her entire first solo album Petals for Armor (May 8th!) but has already released 10 songs and I LOVE THEM ALL. Like I'm obsessed with how different they are for music in general but also for her too. I was scared I wasn't going to love them as much as I do because I've always loved her punk-popness of Paramore but damn girl, you're good. The latest song she released is a bop and has a bit of After Laughter vibes in the sense it sounds so light and fun but the lyrics are like WHOA.
HAIM - Their latest song is great and so fitting for these quarantined times that it's interesting that it was written before all the craziness of 2020 began. But also can we talk about the choreography of the video? It's so simple but also fucking amazing. Who want's to learn it together? Distantly, virtually, of course?
Maria Mena - She hasn't released new music in YEARS and then like HAIM comes out with a song that is perfect for quarantine. I love it up until she gets super religious at the end. That shit ain't for me and is a turn off usually but I will overlook it for Maria because the song as a whole is actually great.
Passing the time by:
FaceTiming with frands! Dustin and I talked to Jessica and Pat the day before his birthday which just so happened to be the same day we cut his hair into a mohawk (but more about that later). It was so nice to see familiar faces even if it was on a little screen. I miss having Dustin's xbox camera because we could sit on the couch and see the other people on the TV. Oh well. At least we have the ability to even FaceTime. Could you imagine be quarantined in 1995? or 1965? I mean, what would we have done all day?!
Ok back to the haircut - so I joked that we should cut his hair into a mohawk and then when he actually agreed to it a few days later I was pumped. We used his beard trimmers and they honestly worked pretty well considering he has the thickest, poofiest hair! I had never cut someone's hair before so it was a bit nerve wracking but he and I tag-teamed it and it turned out pretty bad ass. The hardest part was definitely getting the long bits around his ears. Ah well we did our best.
Nikki Glaser is a huge Swiftie so she decided to hold a virtual Taylor Swift sing-a-long dance party via Zoom. She charged $5 a head and the money went to an animal charity in her hometown (where she is currently quarantining with her parents). She played 10 or so music videos and would pop up between each one for a few minutes. While the videos played you could see all the hundreds (not all at the same time of course) people dancing and singing and having a good time. It was honestly one of my favorite "events" of the quarantine era so far. I hope she holds another one. I mean, Taylor has quite the catalog to choose from. 1,2, 3, let's go bitch! (If you don't know then you aren't a true Swiftie and can see yourself out. Just kidding. All are welcome - except Scott and Scooter of course.)
I also attended a Zoom book club meeting which was pretty fun too. Of course Olive kept walking in front of my computer half the time and the other half you could see here on the cat condo licking her pubes. Cats I tell you. I didn't even read April's book because I've been so hit or miss with reading. It's been taking a lot for me to focus during all of this so reading hasn't been going as well as I hoped it would. I still have finished two books (on my third) during quarantine but I know some people are whipping through books like it ain't no thing with all this extra time. That is not me but good job.
