I'd like to preface this by saying the following thoughts and opinions are mine entirely although that should already be pretty clear. I don't judge those who have a different life or plan to have one in the future. So please have the same respect. I did not want to write this post to change people's minds but to open them up. I'm not asking you to agree with me. I'm asking you to try and understand a different point of view. This is one of the most honest blogs I've ever written. I had to muster up a lot of courage to even begin to put these thoughts into typed words, let alone click the "publish" button for all the internet to pick apart. So please remember that.
This blog post is a long time coming. I have written and re-written it in my head for years now (way before I even had a blog. I actually planned to write it for my LiveJournal (HA!). Back in my early twenties I was 90% sure I didn't want children but there was that lingering 10%. So I did the only thing I knew to do. I went to my BFF: the internet. For research. I found many fascinating articles about the topic and of course 'mommy' blogs (the start of my blog obsession). I kept up with them to kind of see what the day to day of being a parent is like. To read about their good times and of course the struggles too. So the point of all this mommy blog craziness was to help me decide in my own decision. I figured I would decide in my 30th year. That's the age that it's make or break. Baby or no baby. Except I think I always knew it wasn't for me. I've never been maternal really and I've never felt that biological clock ticking. So the blogs have been awesome and continue to bring great joy and inspiration in my life but at this point they are only entertainment.
So here we go. All of the questions and comments I have received on the subject.
Answered.
You're a married woman in your late twenties. When are you having kids?
I get asked this A LOT. Sometimes by people I know but most of the time by random acquaintances and strangers. It's presumptuous, rude and kind of annoying. When I tell them the truth they always gasp and then their jaw drops to the floor. The real kicker is when they say "Oh you'll change your mind!". Because they ALWAYS follow their shock and judgmental look with that statement. It drives me nuts when people assume things based on what is common in society. Not everyone goes to college. Or gets married. Or buys a house. Or believes in God. Or has a kid. Everyone is different. Get over it. Embrace it. Especially when it doesn't affect your life.
What?! Why on earth would you not want kids?!
I don't go around asking ladies why they got pregnant so why is it ok to ask the reason I'm not...? But if YOU MUST KNOW I do have my reasons...
My childhood
I didn't have the best childhood (join the club right?!). It was certainly not the worst, but not ideal in any way. I was never close to my parents. We seemed to clash heads more than we ever bonded. They never took the time to get to know me. Even to this day we don't have a relationship. So yes, I am absolutely 100% scared that if I were to have a child, even knowing WHAT NOT TO DO based on my own experience, that the cycle would continue. No kid deserves that.
Time
I feel like when you have a kid, you sacrifice a lot - as you should. They are supposed to be your whole world and free time should be spent with them. I choose not to have a child because I enjoy MY time. I love walking in the door after work and being able to do anything I want. Some days I change right into my pajamas and watch TV for hours, or work out, or go out to dinner with Dustin, or blog, or do whatever the hell I want. The point is I get to choose and I love that.
Freedom
When I was a kid and especially a teenager, I could not wait to grow up and be on my own. I even had a 'moving out' mason jar full of money that I started in middle school. We rush to grow up and be independent so we don't have anyone telling us what to do but as soon as you have a kid you lose all of that. I waited "forever" to be an adult and I really enjoy it (most of the time - bills pretty much suck but the positives outweigh the negatives). I love not having a curfew or having to tell someone where I am and who I am with. It's the greatest thing in the world. I refuse to give my freedom up.
Body
I am terrified about what having a kid would do to my body. I realize this is extremely vain but I'm sure even those with kids have worried about it too. I know being pregnant is beautiful and blah blah but it also changes everything. I like how my body is. I don't want to gain weight. I don't want more stretch marks. I don't want an extra incision scar next to the one I already have. I don't want to feel sick. I don't want to get sick. I don't want my blood drawn every doctor's visit (because once every few years is too much for me). I don't want to take horse pills (because I can't!). My body is mine and I can do or NOT do with it whatever I want.
Dustin
Having a kid changes your relationship with your significant other. I mean, how can it not? And I don't want my relationship with Dustin to change. At least not in THAT way. I love our life just as it is. Yes, we will get older and things will shift as time speeds by, but having a kid would disrupt everything we have. I feel like everyone is rushing to the next stage. But we are perfectly happy in the married with no kids stage. We don't feel like anything is missing. This is exactly where we want to be.
I love that we can turn our surround sound on during movies or have dance parties in our living room whenever we feel like it. I like that we can run out of the house on a whim to go get ice cream. I like that we can sleep in on the weekends (although we hardly ever do but having the option is awesome). I like that we can go away for a weekend without having to make any other arrangements. I like our life as a family of two.
If we were to have a child it would mean having less time for one another. We would barely have any alone time. We'd be exhausted all the time. We would have less sex or none at all. There would be less romance or none at all. We would be stressed. We would argue more. We'd never be able (or want to) travel. We could grow apart. I'd rather not go down that road.
Money
Kids are crazy expensive. I mean with all the shit you have to carry around for babies, plus daycare, sports/activities fees, college, and the list could go on for days. My wallet hurts just thinking about it. Dustin and I currently both have very good, stable jobs, but there is no way of knowing what the future holds. It's a huge responsibility to have kids and money is pretty important in that regard. It gives me anxiety just thinking about the cost for a kid and I don't even have one.
Help
I'm running the risk of hurting some feelings but in continuing my honesty with this post I will just tell it like it is. We would not have ANY help. We don't have family to help us therefore we wouldn't have babysitters. This probably doesn't sound like a good reason to not have a kid but it's certainly a factor. As far as I know, parents need time away from their kids to stay sane (It takes a village right?) and we would not have that. Sure we have friends but I don't know how comfortable I would be asking them to babysit every single time something came up.
Risk
I know most people will think this reason is out of left field but I ask you to really hear me out on this one. There is no way to know that your kid will turn into a decent person, a contributing member of society. People always say that it's the parents responsibility to teach their kid right from wrong and steer them in the right direction. And it is. But it does not guarantee your kid won't become a drug addict or criminal of some kind or overall terrible human being. How many bad people exist that had perfectly normal, loving childhoods? Tons. It would kill me if my kid, someone I helped create, turned out that way. I'm sorry but for me, the risk is too great to take.
On a separate but related note, there is also no guarantee you will have a relationship with your kid once they are an adult. I'm a perfect example of that (and so is Dustin). In my case, we didn't see eye to eye and we had a falling out. I have my reasons and I'm perfectly happy in my decisions but it's still crazy to create a human being and not have a relationship with them FOREVER. And when I think about it I don't know anyone who has a great relationship with BOTH of their parents and I can think of only a handful of people who have a great relationship with ONE parent. How can you even live with yourself? It totally boggles my mind. If I had a kid I would absolutely want to be apart of their life, not just their childhood. I would want the best relationship we could possibly have. I would want to talk to them and see them on a regular basis. I would want to know and maybe partake in some of their interests. I would support them. But there is just no telling what kind of personality clashes may occur and possibly divide you forever. It's sad but it happens all of the time. Again, I am not willing to take the risk.
Lose Myself
I am still learning and growing into the person I want to be. I felt so lost as a teenager (who didn't, right?!) but the older I get the more comfortable I am in my own skin. With each passing year I am more at ease with myself. It's such a nice feeling. I have noticed that a lot of parents get so wrapped up in their kids that they don't even remember (or care) who they were or are or want to be anymore. I don't want that to ever happen to me. I want to still be me; an individual that has my own interests.
You and Dustin would make such cute babies though!
Aw gee thanks! And I totally agree. My heart melts every time I see a baby picture of Dustin with his big ol' head of blonde hair. The cutest! Yeah, not a reason to have a baby.
Wait, don't you have a baby name picked out?
Yep this is true. Dustin and I actually settled on a baby name months into dating kind of as a joke. We were young and in love and it was fun to daydream about things that will never come to be (kind of like when you talk about what you would do if you won millions of dollars). It's a unisex kind of name and would've been used on a boy or girl. It's unique enough that I've never heard or seen it used as someone's first name but it's still easily pronounced and spelled. Why? Because names are fun! And we're human. But picking out a cool baby name is not reason enough to ever have a kid. We are well aware of this.
You're going to regret it.
Maybe. Maybe not. But doing something because you MIGHT regret it down the road is not reason enough to ever dive into something. No one ever knows what they will regret until after the fact. So if I do regret it, it's on me. My regrets are mine. You won't have to worry about it. And to quote Jen Kirkman "I'd rather regret not having children than regret having one."
You must hate kids!
Not at all. But I do hate when people assume that just because I don't want any of my own that I must be Queen Kid Hater. Actually I enjoy kids very much (the well-behaved ones) and I usually have a blast whenever I'm around them. I am supportive during pregnancies and really love going to baby showers. I like getting down on the floor and playing cars or tea party. I like seeing your photos of your kids and hearing about the funny things they have done or said. I'll take a hundred pictures of them along side of you. I'll ask you how they are because I have a genuine interest in them. So no, I don't hate them.
But yes, I fully expect our relationship (friendship or otherwise) to be more than your child.
You won't have anyone to take care of you when you're old!
Oh no! I mean, really? REALLY? If that's the only reason people have kids then wow. First of all, even if we had a kid I would never burden them like that. How will ANYONE take care of themselves when they are old? Who the hell knows! It's one of those things you just have to figure out when the time comes.
But don't your parents want grandchildren?
Honestly, who knows? They've mentioned it a few times but no one has been pushy so that's something. Plus, Dustin and I aren't close with our parents. But it wouldn't matter either way. It's MY body and OUR life. We aren't going to live how others think we should.
You guys are being so selfish!
Seriously? I don't see how not wanting something we don't have (DOES. NOT. EXIST.) is being selfish. I think the same argument could be made for WANTING a baby. Just throwing that out there.
What happens when all your friends and family have kids and you don't?!
I guess we'll just take a rocket ship to Mars and live in childless isolation so we don't disturb anyone with our crazy rebel ways. None of our closer group of friends have kids yet and all of them except one do plan on starting families sometime in the future. It's inevitable and when it happens we will be happy for all of them (and if I'm being honest, a little sad for us). We will shower them with gifts. We will take pictures of their little bundles of joy. We will babysit. But it would be a lie if I said I wasn't worried about how it would affect our friendships when this happens. But I can't worry about what hasn't happened yet.
You're missing out! Your life will be meaningless and unfulfilled.
That stings. Who's to say what I find fulfilling? You don't have to procreate to live a satisfying existence. People actually think you must have children to have any worth or meaning. Are people crazy? I don't mean to sound rude but there is more to life than having a kid.
Have you EVER wanted kids?!
Not really. Growing up I never thought about it. Never once did I fantasize about taking my non-existent kid to Disney or to the beach. Kids were just not part of the future I envisioned for myself. But then I met Dustin and I fell head over heels in love with him and for a split second I could see Dustin in the backyard throwing the football around or me reading Harry Potter to this imaginary kid. But that feeling quickly passed when the reality of what parenthood meant sunk in. I'm not saying those things wouldn't be nice to experience but parenting is so much more than the fun times.
No big deal.
So many girls get knocked up, whether it be intentionally or by accident and act like it's no big deal. It's the biggest deal there is! HUGE. I realize it is a huge responsibility which is why I'm not so keen on the idea. To care for another human being 24/7 for at least 18 years is scary shit. I'm not saying that people shouldn't reproduce because of this but I wish more people took it more seriously. Because honestly sometimes it seems people have kids JUST because they are bored. Or JUST because it's the supposed "next step". Or because they feel the pressure from family and society. It's ok to wait. It's ok to take your time. And in my case, it's ok to take a different path entirely.
Stop with the judgements!
Although we are childless by choice I sometimes rather lie about not wanting kids. It's easier to say "maybe someday" (even though people like to respond with "You're not getting any younger. Time is running out!"). And it might make people change the subject if we told them it was physically impossible, but with our luck they'd probably give me a number to some fertility clinic. The thing is, I shouldn't feel this way. I should be able to say we don't have or want kids without feeling judged. It sucks. People I barely know or don't know at all have made me feel less than multiple times in my adult life because I have always been truthful when the subject is brought up. I am no less woman, or wife, or person than anyone who has brought a child into the world. Please stop treating me this way.
I understand everyone will have opinions about it. Human beings have opinions about everything but an opinion doesn't need to turn into a lecture or judgement. And even though it's taken me awhile to finally grasp this idea, I've finally realized that you don't have to agree with someone's choices to support them.
Shock
I think the only reason people find it so shocking is because they never thought of not having children as an option. But of course it is. It's a choice like anything else.
Defense
The second I tell someone I don't have/want kids (because THEY asked), they typically get really defensive. It's almost like the fact that I don't want kids is an automatic insult to them. And I'm just left totally bewildered while they are looking me up and down. There's no reason to get so defensive. Me not wanting kids DOES NOT equal me hating that you do. At all!
Population control
I'll be the first one to admit that saving the planet was not high on my list (or even on my list at all) when I came to this decision BUT it does affect the Earth in a positive way. I mean, it's not like the world is relying on Dustin and I to keep the human species around. I think we can all agree there are already too many humans sucking the Earth dry.
Under pressure
I never understand why people care so much about what other people do to their own body (as long as no one was hurting themselves - obviously). Because getting a new haircut or a tattoo or not having a baby is something that does not affect anyone else. It's my body. Yet, people pressure me all the time to have a kid that I don't want to have. For what? What do they care if I have a kid? Why are people so concerned with what's going on in my uterus? Does it affect you? Nope, it sure doesn't.
Outsider
I will admit that not wanting to have a "normal" family makes me feel like an outsider. Absolutely. I feel like I don't fit in most of the time. It doesn't change my mind about the subject but I still feel like the "freak", "weirdo", "crazy one". It sucks. I don't need anyone to feel sorry for me (and I'm sure no one does) but it's rough going against the grain. It's fucking hard not living the way society thinks I should. I'm constantly having to defend myself and my choices. I don't think parents get that. They are the norm. They are what is expected and they fit right in. And since I'm different, it's easier to pick me and my decision apart rather than just accepting it and going on their merry way.
Baby crazed world
Sometimes I feel like I'm obsessed about not wanting to have kids as much as the world is obsessed with having them. But it comes up ALL OF THE TIME in conversation. Almost daily. Definitely weekly. I can't escape it. I hope all of the baby talk will die down eventually but somehow I doubt it. I'll hit 40, 50, and so on and I'm sure I'll still be asked different versions of the same questions.
My favorite articles on the subject:
Why Staying Childless Is NOT The Path Of The Least Resistant
Don't Pity Us Because We Don't Want Kids. Be Happy For Us
What I Don't Get About My Childfree/Childless Young Friends
On Not Having Children, Being Fruitful and Being a Feminist
If Not Wanting Kids Is 'Entirely Normal', Why Is It Hard To Totally Accept?
Pros and Cons
Favorite Book (and only one I've read on the subject): I Can Barely Take Care of Myself: Tales From a Happy Life Without Kids by Jen Kirkman - I highly recommend it to everyone - with or without children. She's hilarious and shares some really great stories about encounters she's had regarding being childfree.
A few of my favorite quotes from her book...
"Now, I don't think having a child makes you a conformist and I don't think that not having a child makes you a nonconformist but I do think that following your heart no matter what other people have to say takes a real sense of self."
"The bottom line is that the choices we make often make sense to us but can confuse others. Somebody is always going to be disappointed with your life choice, and my rule of thumb is that as long as I'm not the one who is disappointed, I can live with that."
"I see parents all the time who get a kick out of saying, "I only like my kids. I don't like other kids. But if a single woman without children says, "I don't like kids", she sounds like a sociopath."
"When I'm in love with someone it doesn't dawn on me to want to have their baby. I just don't think I've ever had the urge to...ruin our lives."
"Becoming a mother doesn't automatically make you a selfless person."
Famous People Who Never Had Children:
Oprah Winfrey
Ricky Gervais
Chelsea Handler
Jen Kirkman
Vincent Van Gogh
George Clooney
Ellen Degeneres
Portia de Rossi
Dolly Parton
Margaret Cho
Patrick Swayze
Diane Sawyer
Susan B. Anthony
Emily Dickinson
Katharine Hepburn
Bill Maher
Helen Mirren
Angelica Huston
Jane Austen
Betty White
Jesus
