Back in February, a childfree group I’m a member of on Facebook posted this study for any of us who might be interested. The requirements were very simply asking for an employed childfree couple living in the United States. Ding ding ding! Or should I say dink dink dink?! 😉 Of course I signed us up immediately. Originally we had scheduled April 19th for the interview but they had to reschedule (which actually worked out great being that I was knee deep into the release of TTPD). We ended up re-scheduling the interview on the Wednesday before Mother’s Day.
I left work early so I could get zoom ready to go for our 4pm, but my dumbass didn’t update zoom prior like I should have. I never zoom on my personal computer. Not since like 2020! So technical issues on top of my own poor planning put us a bit behind schedule. Dustin was in our spare bedroom with his laptop ready to go and I’m over here boomer-style.
The four of us were in one zoom meeting and then immediately went to two breakout rooms. Dustin was interviewed by one of the students and I was interviewed by the other. She asked everything from how I grew up, to when I knew I wanted to be childfree, to my top reasons for being childfree, to difficulties I’ve faced, to what the pros and cons were to this lifestyle. Spoiler alert, I couldn’t think of a con. I still can’t. It felt more like a conversation rather than a strict question answer situation. She and I talked for the entire allotted hour. It was so validating and freeing to tell my story in this way. It helped a great deal that the woman I spoke to was incredibly kind and accepting. She was genuinely curious, and my therapist always says “stay curious”. I had some dark answers to many of her questions and she took them all in stride and even appeared to understand why I would feel the way that I do.
As soon as we were done, Dustin and I climbed into bed and told one another how each interview went. Apparently Dustin got done before me but had to stay on the zoom until I was finished, so he and his interviewer just chatted. She is originally from South Korea so she explained to Dustin her own parent’s expectations of her to have children and even asked how he’d respond in the situation. As most of you know Dustin is blunt and honest in every aspect of his life, and he didn’t hold back his thoughts at any point during the formal interview or the informal chitchat at the end. It was really interesting to compare experiences. I know he only agreed to participate because he knew it meant a lot to me, which in itself is incredibly sweet, but the fact that he thought so positively about his own experience was icing on the cake!
Here's the link for the eligibility form. They are holding interviews through June.
That Saturday Katie and the girls invited me for a coffee date which I was quick to say yes to. It had been far too long since the four of us had just sat around and talked about it all. All of what? Just everything. We’ve been doing this forever.
From Starbucks in Targets to Barnie’s in the mall and to all the little shops in between that Katie has checked off her list. Our little coffee dates are some of my favorite memories ever. Just being stationary with my favorite people will always be top tier. Doing is great and fun but just the state of being is everything. Nothing will beat sitting and talking with your people.
The girls gave me Mother’s Day letters that were beautiful and made me emotional as all hell. They’ve been giving me art or letters since they were little. This is always kind of hilariously ironic for someone who vehemently doesn’t want children, nor will ever be a mother; and even more so given that I just participated in a childfree couple study days prior. But regardless I love those girls like they were my own, so being referred to as an alternate/bonus/back-up/second mom is a true honor. I can't even come up with all of the words to explain my gratitude.
The real moms are the real ones though. The ones who don't get a break from driving or cooking or cleaning or planning or thinking or worrying - and just keep on going. Katie's a real one in every which way. I've always been so in awe with her instant maternal aura.
And when my interviewer asked what my favorite thing about being childfree is, I said the freedom I have to help those that I love. The fact that I don't have a kid to pick up from school or one waiting at home for me to make dinner is how I get to be so present for them. It's because of my chosen lifestyle that I can leave work early or leave my house in the middle of the night for whatever they need. It's me rarely ever having to say "I can't" to their graduations, recitals, birthdays, random home hang-outs, etc. - because I have my own children to care for and show up for. My choice makes me the best version of myself for me...and for all my loved ones. "It takes a village." or so I've always heard and I'm honored to be one of Katie's village people. Now I want to sing the YMCA, with the dance, on roller-skates...
Teen troubles Elders advise Tension bubbles Gen Z sighs
Couch chatter While sipping drinks Hurt feelings Are easy to overthink
Nostalgia seeps in Visions of old times The supercut begins Versions of other lifetimes
Emotional carousel Giggling in between Something special When we convene
Just like before But actually not at all Forever changing But in it for the long haul
The four of us Coffee shop hangs This quad of stardust Just Mothers Day things
One minute I'm watching the Grammy's and Taylor is announcing her 11th album, and the next it's 4:09am on Friday, April 19th and I'm laying on my couch listening track by track, in album order of course, to The Tortured Poets Department. I can't stay up until midnight unless I'm already out on the town and that's very rare to begin with, but what I can do is wake up hella early. I didn't exactly mean to wake up at 4 in the morning but it's like Christmas, so of course I didn't sleep well. I tip toed out of the bedroom with my phone and my Beats headphones and cozied back down on the couch. Both cats looked at me in confusion like "excuse us mom but you're off schedule". Eventually they got over the interruption and embraced it via laying on top of me while each new Taylor song filled my ears and brain and heart. Of course I took the day off work for this momentum occasion and being that it's a double album, I could've taken a week off to get fully acquainted.
There wasn't a single song I disliked on first listen and it's still true even after a fortnight of replays. Sure, there have been some serious growers like But Daddy I Love Him and Down Bad, but then of course there was Florida!!! and Who's Afraid of Little Old Me? who were instant loves.
Taylor said herself this album is full of metaphors and it was certainly noticeable right away - from religion to aliens to toys. There are several themes woven in and out of the entirety of the album. The ones that really stood out were all the mental health and religious lyricism and several songs have a Wild West musical twang and/or lyrics.
Taylor is known for her writing and girl WROTE. This is the most wordy album of all time or at least of Taylor's discography which is really saying something. I genuinely had to look up the definitions of also-ran and rivulets (see below). I guess you can't call an album The Tortured Poets Department without elevating the vocabulary and poetic flow that she's already so good at. And of course she adds in literary references left and right from Macbeth to Emily Dickinson which you can read about more in depth here and here.
Taylor wrote two songs completely on her own, eight with Jack, and five with Aaron for this album. And of course Austin Post and Florence Welch each have writing credits on the songs they are featured in. I've heard so many say TTPD 1 is a Jack album and TTPD 2 is an Aaron album, but I think they are both equal mixes, and more than any thing, they are absolutely Taylor albums.
One of my favorite written reviews came from Rolling Stone, my favorite podcast discussion is of course fellow Swiftie bestie Nikki Glaser, P1 and P2, and my favorite video reaction was Reacts with Ash.
I saw on reddit that this album is "for the fans, not the public" and I have to agree. I feel like the Swifties get it and the casual fans have very mixed opinions. This album is giving Woodvale aka the third in the Folklore and Evermore trilogy, the anger and snark of reputation with the synth bops of Midnights. Is it overwhelming as fuck? YES. Due to the heavy content of the songs, the lyricism, and the number of tracks (31 total) it is a lot to take in and I understand why some are saying they are emotionally exhausted. This isn't an album you can just understand with a listen or two. It's not even one you can decide if you like or not in a listen or two. This is album you really have to sit with and let it wash over you slowly while you digest every little morsel.
To my dear Swiftie friends who never get sick of talking about her and her songs in great depth, thank you so much. You are everything in my life.
Interesting words:fortnight - two weeks, literally fourteen nights
treason - the act of betraying
Fave lyrics:I love you, it's ruining my life - the awareness!
Thoughts & theories:Upon first listen, I immediately thought it sounded like a 1975 song even though I've barely ever listened to their music. However, the times I've tried a song or two they all sound the same to me and are all musically very one-note. Musically, that's what this song is giving me but given the subject matter of the lyrics it absolutely works. She's looking back on a short-lived romance a little angry and a lot depressed. I absolutely loved that Posty was on thiswith her. I'll forever remember that little interaction of thebackstage years ago.
Taylor talks: Via Amazon track by track "Fortnight is a song that exhibits a lot of the common themes that run through this album. One of which being fatalism - longing, pining away, lost dreams..."
Whether it was her plan since the jump ,or because all of us kept calling this album Dead Poets Society accidentally, I found it wonderful that Taylor included both Ethan Hawke and Josh Overstreet from the movie. She is always extra with the details. The voibes of this video are some of my fave. Tortured mental health girlies get it.
Easter eggs: The name of this song/album is very similar to a what's app group her ex Joe Alwyn is in with his actor friends called The Tortured Man Club. Also Matty had this to say about typewriters.
Fave lyrics: You're in self-sabotage mode, throwing spikes down on the road But I've seen this episode and still loved the show
Thoughts & theories:Although the lyrics in this song aren't nearly as traditionally poetic as others on TTPD, Taylor still gives us very specific lines naming not only two of her friends (Lucy of boygenius beingone of them and of course her bestie Jack being the other) but also some seemingly veryintimate moments between her and this "tattooed golden retriever" who I can only surmiseis Matty fucking Healy. The whole Dylan Thomas and Patti Smith metaphor is really chef's kiss when you do a deep dive on them both.
Callback:She references Ken in both this song and Hits Different
I felt more when we played pretend
Than with all the Kens
'Cause he took me out of my box
vs.
I used to switch out these Kens, I'd just ghost
Fave lyrics: Rivulets descend my plastic smile
Thoughts & theories: I heard criticism that this song was too juvenile for her but given that TTPD is chalk full of metaphors I think this one is pretty intereresting way to describe what sounds like being in love with an extremely immature man is like. But more than anything it's haunting as hell. I just picture an old rundown K-Mart toy aisle where the Army doll has gone mad in one way while her doll has gone mad in another. I also love the imagery of how exciting it was as a kid to get that toy you've always wanted but then quickly realized you weren't into as much as you thought so you stopped giving a shit about it.
Interesting words: petulance - the quality of being childishly sulky or bad-tempered
Callback:
Fave lyrics - Did you really beam me up? In a cloud of sparkling dust
Just to do experiments on
Tell me I was the chosen one
Thoughts & theories - Right off the bat I love the way she used being abducted by aliens to explain the whirlwind of falling for this person and then being literally and figuratively brought back down to earth. And the whine of the chorus "Fuck it if I can't have him"?! Come on! I can relate to that feeling of not getting what I want and in the moment just saying "Fuck it!" because it's so upsetting not getting this thing that you want, so you try and trick yourself into thinking you just don't care any more. Sure, Jan.
Callbacks:The ones that stood out the most to me was the You're Losing Me reference continuing her metaphor of them dying (I stopped CPR, after all, it's no use / The spirit was gone, we would never come to) and the Glitch reference.
Fave lyrics: I stopped trying to make him laugh, stopped trying to drill the safe
I didn't opt in to be your odd man out
I founded the club she's heard great things about
And I'm pissed off you let me give you all that youth for free
And you say I abandoned the ship
But I was going down with it
My white-knuckle dying grip
Holding tight to your quiet resentment
Thoughts & theories: This lives up to the track five lore with consistent gut punches. I mean, to pick one fave lyric line? Nah, impossible. The song is framed around her saying goodbye to a city she loved and made a home in for many years, but that city encompassed Joe. Hell, that city and Joe are seemingly one in her eyes. It is the larger scaled Cornelia Street. I'm not sure how literal she meant "died on the altar waiting for the proof", but I view it as her wanting marriage or some kind of bigger commitment from Joe and he kept stringing her along during what society claims is a woman's prime (late 20s - early 30s).
Interesting words: tendrils - a slender threadlike appendage of a climbing plant precocious - exhibiting mature qualities at an unusually early age revelry - noisy partying saboteurs - one that practices sabotage
sanctimoniously - hypocritically pious or devout
soliloquies - an act of speaking one's thoughts aloud when by oneself
Easter egg:When the track list was released, the internet went wild about the famous line from The Little Mermaid being a name of a song. And of course we all remembered that she dressed up as Ariel for her 2019 NYE costume party. So, we can only assume this is one of her favorite movies and/or characters from childhood but also it would appear she can relate to some of the movies themes when it comes to Ariel losing her voice and giving up everything she knew for a guy.
Fave lyric: I'll tell you something about my good name It's mine alone to disgrace
I don't cater to all these vipers dress in emopath's clothing
Thoughts & theories:I didn't pick up on the fact that this is a "fuck-you this is my life" to everyone who talked shit about her dating Matty Healy from the randos and fans alike, until another swiftie mentioned it. Then of course it clicked. It's tongue in cheek but also angry as hell, and honestly rightfully so. To be as big as Taylor Swift and have the literal world discussing what's best for you must be infuriating, even when this time around they were right.
Until I actually looked at the lyrics I thought the line "All the wine moms are still holding out, but fuck'em" was actually "Our moms are still holding out, but fuck'em". Oops! Also watching fans react for the first time to the line "I'm having his baby, no I'm not but you should see your faces" is so damn funny. We all were caught off guard with that one. I just see her giggling to herself every time someone listens for the first time and their eyes widen with whatthefuck.
I also enjoy the way the song seemingly starts about Matty but then ends with Travis. She goes from "But daddy I love him" to "Even my daddy just loves him" because once again the whole world, including myself were losing our minds in the fall of '23 when we'd see her at Chiefs games or Travis hanging with her dad on tour.
Fave lyric:Years of labor, locks, and ceilings In the shade of how he was feelin'
Callback: It all started in reputation and officially ended in TTPD...
Thoughts & theories: She uses jail imagery to describe her feelings at the end of the relationship with Joe, just as she used it in reputation - except this time it's negative. She is "gray" and Joe is "blue". This other person (presumably Matty Healy) has stayed in touch with her/gotten back in touch and something has been rekindled but she continues to stay in her dead relationship. So as soon as she and Joe are over she's calling Matty because now she is free. Sometimes it takes the hope of a new relationship to get the courage to leave an old one. No judgement here.
She was quoted in her TIME Person of the Year article as saying 'Life is short. Have adventures. Me locking myself away in my house for a lot of years...I'll never get that time back'.As much as I feel she probably needed to hide away for that year after the summer of 2016 to help her heal, I also think there came a point where she was ready to leave the house even with the circus that always transpires in her wake, but she tried so hard to respect Joe's privacy that she lost a lot herself in the process.
Callback: Florida was mentioned in Fortnight and now it's got its own song!
Fave lyric: Barricaded in the bathroom with a bottle of wine
Well, me and my ghosts, we had a hell of a time
I need to forget, so take me to Florida I've got some regrets, I'll bury them in Florida Tell me I'm despicable, say it's unforgivable At least the dolls are beautiful, fuck me up Florida!
Thoughts & theories:Our girl loves a collab. and this one might just be her best one ever - at least top three with Exile/Bon Iver and Coney Island/The National also on the list. I loved that the production of the song is heavy in Flo's influence which is probably why it's such a standout on the album. The sound is so theatrical and completely different than any other and yet it fits perfectly.
On a personal level, I was excited about this one from the jump because of the name and feature. I love Flo but that's Katie's number one ho. And then to have them reference my boo's state of Texas?! It's a bad ass song that reminds me of my favorite people.
Other Swifties have theorized the metaphor is that Matty is actually Florida in that he was an escape from every day life and appeared to be "better" than her home aka Joe. But the thing about Florida is with every beautiful beach scene there are also shark and gator attacks, with every warm summer day there is underboob sweat and heat stroke, and for all those attractions there are hurricanes lurking to wipe away your happiness in an instant.
Taylor talks: Via Amazon's track by track " Swift said the inspiration for this track actually came from “always watching ‘Dateline.'” “People have these crimes that they commit; where do they immediately skip town and go to? They go to Florida. They try to reinvent themselves, have a new identity, blend in. I think when you go through a heartbreak, there’s a part of you that thinks, ‘I want a new name. I want a new life. I don’t want anyone to know where I’ve been or know me at all.’ And so that was the jumping off point. Where would you go to reinvent yourself and blend in? Florida!”
Interesting words: trysts - a private romantic rendezvous between lovers. propriety - the quality or state of being proper or suitable
Callback: This is most definitely the cousin of False God. Both are sexual and both use religious imagery and words.
Religion's in your lips Even if it's a false god We'd still worship The altar is my hips We'd still worship this love
vs.
What if I roll the stone away?
They're gonna crucify me anyway
What if the way you hold me is actually what's holy?
I choose you and me religiously
Fave lyric: These fatal fantasies giving way to laboured breath Taking all of me, we've already done it in my head
Thoughts & theories:This is her fantasizing about what it would be like with another guy she is infatuated with. Probably Matty or maybe just a rando on the internet or a movie that she got carried away with. It didn't click until I listened to Nikki Glaser's special TTPD podcast episode when she said it's about masturbation and the light bulb turned on. Of course it is.
Interesting words: gallows - a structure for the hanging of criminals levitate - to rise or float in or as if in the air as if defiance of gravity asylum - an institution offering shelter and support to people who are mentally ill
Memed: Monica's was by far the best at this internet trend. But this one and this one were relatable. What image came to your mind?
— Monica Lewinsky (she/her) (@MonicaLewinsky) April 25, 2024
Callback:Is this not the cousin of Mad Woman or what?! Both have her leaning into the crazy and delivering the lines with so much snark.
Fave lyrics: I was tame, I was gentle, till the circus life made me mean Don't worry folks, we took out all her teeth Who's afraid of little old me?
I want to snarl and show you just how disturbed this has made me You wouldn't last an hour in the asylum where they raised me
Thoughts & theories: This is another absolute favorite of mine because it is so fucking sad and even though she says 'we don't get to tell her about "sad" '- I do get it. I picture Taylor as a lion who performs for the masses as expected but the second it has had enough and stands up for itself you can hear the gasps from the trainers and crowds, as if they weren't the ones who made her exactly this way with their poking and prodding. I feel like this song is referencing a lot of her recent "scandals" - Matty Healy, the Olivia Rodrigo lawsuit, the NFL backlash, etc. Ultimately, it can be explained as how society lifts artists up just to tear them down.
Taylor talks: She said via Amazon track by track "alone, sitting at the piano in one of those moments when I felt bitter about just all the things we do to our artists as a society and as a culture...."
Interesting words: dopamine - a neurotransmitter made in your brain that plays the role of "reward center" for memory, movement, motivation, mood, and attention billows - a large undulating mass of something, typically a cloud or smoke calloused - having an area of hardened skin
Fave lyric: They shake their heads, saying, "God help her" when I Tell 'em he's my man But your good Lord doesn't need to lift a finger I can fix him, no really I can
Thoughts & theories: There is another mention of Texas which makes me think maybe there is significance - Did something happen in Texas? Did she use it because the music has a western twang and it fits the story? Did she use it again because that's where Post Malone is from?
Interesting words:rekindled - to start or stir up something again reformed - to amend or improve change of form or removal of faults impressionist - someone who practices or adheres to the theories of Impressionism cinephile - a devotee of motion pictures phantoms - something apparent to sense but with no substantial evidence
counterfeit - to imitate or feign with intent to deceive
Callback: She mentions stitch again just like in so long London and glitch...
Fave lyric:Oh, what a valiant roar What a bland goodbye The coward claimed he was a lion I'm combing through the braids of lies
Thoughts & theories: From the title alone many of us surmised this to be about her 6 year relationship with Joe but there are some very key references to Matty. So, if anything, it certainly could be a combination of both but it does appear to be more about the 1975 guy.
I absolutely love when Taylor flips the script. She's a true mastermind at this because it's done so well in many of her songs.
love of my life flips to loss of my life
you and I go from one kiss to getting married flips to what we thought was for all time was momentary
Interesting words: silhouette - the outline of a body viewed as circumscribing a mass crucial - important, significant
Callback: The little detail of her adding the in-ear metronome (aka the ear piece she wears on tour to stay on tempo) to this song is fucking genius.
Fave lyrics:I'm so depressed, I act like it's my birthday
I think you can take this lyric a few different ways but the one I really relate to is when you're so depressed you treat yourself again and again to try and help you feel better but in the end it's a short-lived hit of dopamine.
Thoughts & theories:This is quite obviously about her being on the eras tour sad and depressed while the world is praising how amazing it is. The fans aka me not only attended the tour but couldn't get enough and would watch any livestream they could catch. But we really didn't have a clue what was going on. How many times have you had to slap a happy face on and put on a show at work or at a party or whatever? We've all been there.
This song is THE bop of the album. It reminds me of Paramore's After Laughter in that most of their songs were up-beat and catchy as hell but the lyrics were sad AF. I always love that kind of juxtaposition.
Interesting words: also-ran - one that is of little importance oblivion - the state of being forgotten or unknown
Fave lyrics:I would've died for your sins
Instead I just died inside
And you deserve prison
But you won't get time
Thoughts & theories: What a lashing she gave Matty in this. Like gut punch after the other. The bridge cuts so deep. And the best thing of all is the name of the song.
Interesting words:alchemy - the medieval forerunner of chemistry bloke - British slang for man
Callback:Circled you on a map? Taylor coming to whatever city the Chiefs are playing in.
Touch down? Amatuers? Cut 'em from the team? Ok football references. Beer sticking to the floor? Cheers chanted? Greatest in the league? More football. Clowns - A callback to mirrorball and peace. Crown - We're talking long live, CIWYW, YNTCD, exile, and karma.
Fave lyric: Honestly, who are we to fight the alchemy?
Fave lyrics:Crowd goes wild at her fingertips Half moonshine, full eclipse
Thoughts & theories: I feel like this song is maybe the most under appreciated on the album. I absolutely love it. I love the references to past stars who were the talk of the town in their day and how she has the self awareness to poke fun of herself, much like she did in 22. My only critique is the line "we're loving it" - ok McDonald's slogan. I think "magnificent" would've been a much stronger choice. But come on rhyming Clara Bow with remarkable at the beginning of the song and not rhyming Taylor Swift with magnificent to close out the song just seems like such a missed opportunity.
Taylor talks: Via Amazon's track by track " I used to sit in record labels trying to get a record deal when I was a little kid. And they’d say, ‘you know, you remind us of’ and then they’d name an artist, and then they’d kind of say something disparaging about her, ‘but you’re this, you’re so much better in this way or that way.’ And that’s how we teach women to see themselves, as like you could be the new replacement for this woman who’s done something great before you,” she said. “I picked women who have done great things in the past and have been these architypes of greatness in the entertainment industry. Clara Bow was the first ‘it girl.’ Stevie Nicks is an icon and an incredible example for anyone who wants to write songs and make music."
Was this post long enough? Probably not.
Did I get to say everything I wanted about this album? Definitely not!
Will I also be discussing the anthology aka the second "album" at a later date? You betcha.
