Dustin Says

I call him a "human paper cut" because he's that annoying. 

Dustin rehashing his adventure in picking up cat prozac.

Pharmacist: What's the patient's DOB?

Dustin: I don't know; he's from the streets. I wish I knew his origin story as told by Christopher Nolan. 

Me: I was thinking more of a Wes Anderson vibe. 

A lot of fat guys in commercials lately. I should become an actor. 

Commenting on Cheeto's current state after gnawing off patches of hair.
He looks like he was in a blender or an extra in Pet Cemetery. 

Dustin: She was in her 90s!?

Me: Yeah, mid-90s. 

Dustin: That's a temperature, not an age. I expect to be gone around the fall season. 

That's a great gift for a terrible person.

Dustin: My genetics are like a witches brew....wing of bat. 

Me: Eyeball of rabid dog. 

Dustin: Sasquatch pube.

Everyone wants me to go to his funeral, but I told them I'm not a "funeral person". The person I want to see isn't going to be there so what's the point. 

Dustin: You've made me better. 

Me: And you've made me worse.

Commenting on my curved toe.

It looks like a cashew hanging off your foot.