Lasik & Grenades

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A couple weeks ago I made an appointment to see if I would be a candidate for Lasik.

I got a lot of "But I thought you liked wearing glasses." Yeah I (mostly) do.

Buuuuuut.
Unfortunately there are a lot of buts.

I have been wearing glasses since I was 13. They are completely a part of my identity. When you think of me, aren't "glasses" one of the first words that come to mind to describe me physically? Exactly. My glasses are me but I didn't necessarily want to be my glasses anymore even though I am probably one of the few that can say I feel prettier IN glasses than without them. I mean, I wore them on my wedding day. As much as I love them they also can annoy the shit out of me.

Having them sit on my face 16ish hours every single day sometimes causes headaches or pain behind my ears. Not being able to lay down comfortably when I want to lounge is annoying. Having to pat down my nightstand each morning to find my actual eyeballs has grown tiresome. The eye appointments. The expense. The change in my prescription every visit. It's all just exhausting sometimes.

You will all think I'm certifiable when I tell you WHAT specifically pushed me to make this appointment. It all started with me listening to a My Favorite Murder minisode wherein Georgia and Karen read emails from listeners about all kinds of stuff from murder to kidnappings to finding weird shit in your walls. Anyway there was one story in particular that struck a chord. A woman wrote in that she had stayed late at work (she is a teacher) and as she walked to her car in the empty parking lot when a guy started running at her with a knife. He told her to get in the car and that's when he took her glasses off and threw them in the backseat. He drives for a bit and then stops somewhere and tells her not to move or he'd kill her. You know, the usual. So she waits a few seconds after he's gotten out of the car and climbs in the driver's seat BLIND AS A BAT and just hauls ass out of there. She made it without having an accident and totally SSDGM. You can listen to the episode (MFM Minisode 53) by clicking here.

But jesus christ that story scared the shit out of me. Enough so that I made an appointment the same day I listened to it for the following week. Also I have put a pair of extra glasses in my glove box because you can never be too prepared for anything.

I went to Hunter Vision in Maitland per the recommendation of my friend Ed who had them do his Lasik a few years back. The office is located inside RDV and is so hard to find that they have a video on their website to show you how to get there from the parking lot. Sadly, I had to use said video. It's a very confusing complex. I'm used to the Ice Den side not the medical side. They got me right in and started giving me all kinds of eye tests - pressure tests, distance tests, lenses tests, and finally they dilated my eyes which I fucking hate with a passion but I knew it was necessary. The doctor came in and explained a bunch of eye mumbo jumbo using a little 3D model eyeball. The short of it is I am not a candidate for Lasik because my near-sidedness is so severe. However, I would be a candidate for ICL which is similar but way more expensive. Of course. ICL stands for implantable collamer lense. It's basically placing a permanent contact in your eye. It's apparently the same recovery and similar procedure as Lasik but like $4K more. HA! So I thanked them all for their time and walked out. I even asked if I needed special glasses due to my eyes still being dilated and it being bright as hell outside and they were all "No no, you should be fine."

Spoiler alert: I WAS NOT FINE.

I could barely get to my car because I was squinting so goddamn much. What were they thinking? I called Dustin and whined to him about how unsafe it is to let someone drive back to work blind. He had the genius idea to put his sunglasses (that he leaves in my car because I drive everywhere) over my regular glasses to help block out the sun. OMG it worked. I mean I was still straining but it was at least manageable and I didn't get into an accident.

I both wanted to be and not be a candidate for Lasik. Does that make sense? Like I want perfect or near perfect or even half perfect vision but I also didn't want to lose my identity in the process. So when they told me I wasn't a candidate I was both relieved and disappointed which is the same reaction I would have had if I were a candidate. I'm glad I have a definite answer now. There isn't a "what if?" floating around my brain about it anymore.

So there you have it folks. I'll be wearing glasses until I'm dead or at least until I win the lottery.

And the good news is I won't have to change my blog name to "Lasik & Grenades!". Phew!