Childfree Mother's Day

Back in February, a childfree group I’m a member of on Facebook posted this study for any of us who might be interested. The requirements were very simply asking for an employed childfree couple living in the United States. Ding ding ding! Or should I say dink dink dink?! 😉 Of course I signed us up immediately. Originally we had scheduled April 19th for the interview but they had to reschedule (which actually worked out great being that I was knee deep into the release of TTPD). We ended up re-scheduling the interview on the Wednesday before Mother’s Day.

I left work early so I could get zoom ready to go for our 4pm, but my dumbass didn’t update zoom prior like I should have. I never zoom on my personal computer. Not since like 2020! So technical issues on top of my own poor planning put us a bit behind schedule. Dustin was in our spare bedroom with his laptop ready to go and I’m over here boomer-style. 

The four of us were in one zoom meeting and then immediately went to two breakout rooms. Dustin was interviewed by one of the students and I was interviewed by the other. She asked everything from how I grew up, to when I knew I wanted to be childfree, to my top reasons for being childfree, to difficulties I’ve faced, to what the pros and cons were to this lifestyle. Spoiler alert, I couldn’t think of a con. I still can’t. It felt more like a conversation rather than a strict question answer situation. She and I talked for the entire allotted hour. It was so validating and freeing to tell my story in this way. It helped a great deal that the woman I spoke to was incredibly kind and accepting. She was genuinely curious, and my therapist always says “stay curious”. I had some dark answers to many of her questions and she took them all in stride and even appeared to understand why I would feel the way that I do. 

As soon as we were done, Dustin and I climbed into bed and told one another how each interview went. Apparently Dustin got done before me but had to stay on the zoom until I was finished, so he and his interviewer just chatted. She is originally from South Korea so she explained to Dustin her own parent’s expectations of her to have children and even asked how he’d respond in the situation. As most of you know Dustin is blunt and honest in every aspect of his life, and he didn’t hold back his thoughts at any point during the formal interview or the informal chitchat at the end.  It was really interesting to compare experiences. I know he only agreed to participate because he knew it meant a lot to me, which in itself is incredibly sweet, but the fact that he thought so positively about his own experience was icing on the cake!

Here's the link for the eligibility form. They are holding interviews through June.

That Saturday Katie and the girls invited me for a coffee date which I was quick to say yes to. It had been far too long since the four of us had just sat around and talked about it all. All of what? Just everything. We’ve been doing this forever. 

From Starbucks in Targets to Barnie’s in the mall and to all the little shops in between that Katie has checked off her list. Our little coffee dates are some of my favorite memories ever. Just being stationary with my favorite people will always be top tier. Doing is great and fun but just the state of being is everything. Nothing will beat sitting and talking with your people. 

The girls gave me Mother’s Day letters that were beautiful and made me emotional as all hell. They’ve been giving me art or letters since they were little. This is always kind of hilariously ironic for someone who vehemently doesn’t want children, nor will ever be a mother; and even more so given that I just participated in a childfree couple study days prior. But regardless I love those girls like they were my own, so being referred to as an alternate/bonus/back-up/second mom is a true honor. I can't even come up with all of the words to explain my gratitude. 

The real moms are the real ones though. The ones who don't get a break from driving or cooking or cleaning or planning or thinking or worrying - and just keep on going. Katie's a real one in every which way. I've always been so in awe with her instant maternal aura. 

 

 

And when my interviewer asked what my favorite thing about being childfree is, I said the freedom I have to help those that I love. The fact that I don't have a kid to pick up from school or one waiting at home for me to make dinner is how I get to be so present for them. It's because of my chosen lifestyle that I can leave work early or leave my house in the middle of the night for whatever they need. It's me rarely ever having to say "I can't" to their graduations, recitals, birthdays, random home hang-outs, etc. - because I have my own children to care for and show up for. My choice makes me the best version of myself for me...and for all my loved ones. "It takes a village." or so I've always heard and I'm honored to be one of Katie's village people. Now I want to sing the YMCA, with the dance, on roller-skates...

Teen troubles
Elders advise
Tension bubbles
Gen Z sighs

Couch chatter 
While sipping drinks
Hurt feelings
Are easy to overthink

Nostalgia seeps in
Visions of old times
The supercut begins
Versions of other lifetimes

 
Emotional carousel
Giggling in between
Something special 
When we convene

Just like before
But actually not at all
Forever changing
But in it for the long haul

The four of us
Coffee shop hangs
This quad of stardust
Just Mothers Day things