I Hate It Here

I've had a pit in my stomach since we rang in 2024. I hate election years; probably because every single one of them from the time I was 15 was pivotal and contentious as hell. I was in high school when Bush was in his first term; by the time I graduated in 2003, I had watched the tragedies of Columbine and 9/11 on TV, and then the ensuing wars in Afghanistan and Iraq were everywhere all the time. I was registered to vote at 17 and actually got to vote in my first Presidential election in 2004. I'm proud to say I've never missed an election. As hopeless as I've been throughout the years, I always vote. 

2000    Gore vs. Bush             The Florida recount debacle.
2004    Bush vs. Kerry            The Bush Wars. 
2008    Obama vs. McCain     Change We Need - Universal Healthcare 
2012    Obama vs. Romney    The Great Recession
2016    Clinton vs. Trump       Americans hate women but love reality star/non-politician/King Deplorable.
2020    Trump vs. Biden         "Stolen" election amidst the pandemic.
2024    Harris vs. Trump         Americans still hate women but now love fascism. 

And with all this talk about the fucking economy, in my experience it has NEVER been "good" in that time, at least not for middle class regular ol' plebs like myself. Maybe those benefitting from generational wealth have a different perspective. 🙄

See what millennials have had to endure for the past twenty years, for our entire adult lives? Just when I'm finally catching my breath it's time to fight or resist or march once again. I'm fucking exhausted. I am at my catastrophe capacity. It's always political because it always has to be when it comes to people's lives. And I'm always political because I DON'T KNOW HOW TO NOT CARE ABOUT OTHERS. It would appear most Americans have the opposite problem. Yet, here I am - an empath, an enneagram four, and a Highly Sensitive Person (HSP) throwing my hands up in the air screaming "FUUUUUCK" because what else is there to do? Quite frankly I'm over all the cliche hopeful quotes. It's not going to be ok. Are we going to get through it? I don't know and you don't either; surely not everyone will. So to put it mildly my prozac is working overtime to keep my depression from swallowing me whole.

I woke up Wednesday at 5 am and laid there until Cheeto demanded I get up an hour later. I knew in my gut it was bad news and I didn't want to confirm it. Apparently lots of others had the same experience according to this tik tok. The longer I lay in bed, the longer I can hold onto the sliver of hope. I finally got up and gave Cheeto and Olive a treat and then laid back down on the couch. I took a deep breath and pulled up CNN, and then NPR, and so on, until I realized this was not a dream. He actually won. I wasn't surprised. Hell, Dustin and I took the day off specifically for this reason. Sure, we were hoping Kamala would win and we'd just have a nice little day off, but at least when that didn't happen we didn't have to think about work. 

Wednesday was gray, rainy, and gloomy aka my favorite kind of weather. I couldn't even enjoy it because I was frozen to the corner of the couch crying. The tears flowed with incredible ease one after another while the cats snuggled in between my legs. Oh to be a cat who doesn't know about Trump. I spent hours in that spot until Dustin woke up and came over to comfort me. With every sweet thing he said I countered with a snarky misanthropic reply. I have suicidal ideation on good days so you can only imagine where my head was at on one of my worst. I moved myself into the bedroom where it was dark and cold. The thoughts that filled my mind. The thoughts that made it onto paper. I was over feeling and therefore fell right into my favorite coping mechanism...sleep. I slept the day away. I remember hearing Dustin open the door every so often to check on me and then close it again. Eventually I woke up and he came to lay down with me and just held me while I continued to cry. The last time I spent an entire day crying I was grieving someone who died; this time I'm grieving everything and everyone. I'm grieving the future we ALL could have had. For kids. For parents. For teachers. For women and anyone with a uterus. For LGBTQIA+. For people of color. For disabled people. For healthcare. For animals. For nature. And yes, selfishly for myself too. I've had one of my best years mentally, physically, in every damn way. I'm so proud of what I've accomplished within myself but I fear it will be short lived due to recent events.  

He and I talked for a long time. It was the first time all day that I made space for his fears too. He handles these things completely differently, but I found comfort in hearing he was upset too. He was worried too.  And honestly if your partner wasn't, then is it actually a partnership? I understand the mentality of people on social media telling women to divorce their Trump supporting husbands, because I myself can't reconcile or compartmentalize something so egregious. No wonder the 4B movement might be making its way to the United States. Everyone deserves someone, who at the very least, gives a shit enough to vote in their partner's best interest. Radical idea, huh? I'm having a real hard time feeling joy or gratitude of any kind but Dustin has been there for me in every possible way this week and I'm beyond lucky for that kind of support. Without him constantly talking me off the ledge, I'd for sure be a goner. 

We all know people who voted for Trump. People that ultimately voted for themselves in the hopes of cheaper eggs and gas vs. people who voted for the greater good. I've seen different versions of the same meme but it's so true, I DON'T KNOW HOW TO EXPLAIN TO YOU THAT YOU SHOULD CARE ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE. Trumpers keep claiming "but we're good people", but in my opinion they aren't. Maybe they have done nice things in their life, but being a good person goes beyond yourself. It's that deep down-in-your-soul-decency of caring about others which they know nothing about. And because of that I'm pro-blocking, any one, for any reason, any time. Protect your peace. To see people gloat that they HELPED a fascist/rapist/racist/felon/etc. was quite the gut punch. Nah, I can't get behind that and I don't want anything to do with them. 

 

Wednesday morning. / Each message from a different person.

I didn't write this but I agree with it fully.

I don't know how to move forward when we are moving backwards. 

I don't know how to keep going when I'm frozen. 

However, I will return to what I do know:

Feeling my feelings helps, so here I am blogging about it all as I tend to do. 2016 election blog.

Music helps me process so I made a playlist on Spotify in case others want to rage/sob too.

Helping others helps, so every opportunity that has come my way, within my means, I have done just that - I donated to a kitten medical fundraiser that popped up in my feed and I gave cash to a person in need on the street.