Remembering Jo

Her name was Jodi but she was also called Jo, Jojo, and George.

She and I are cousins but since her mom (my aunt - oldest of 5) and my dad (2nd youngest) were so far apart in age so were we. She was in the middle of high school when I was born so we didn't grow up together in the way a lot of cousins do. But then she had Nikki when I was only four. I remember her telling me the story of how my dad brought me to visit them in the hospital after Nikki was born and my sassy four year old self told her to "scoot over" - in her own hospital bed. Nikki and I were cousins from day one but we became best friends as she got older. She and I spent most of my dad's court-ordered-every-other-weekend standard 90s divorce visitations with her. It certainly helped that they lived next door to him. Nikki and I were attached at the hip and on those weekends (and beyond) she looked after me the way she looked after her own daughter. I remember us all being obsessed with Sonic the Hedgehog (SEGA!) but Nikki and I being too young to get very far. We'd just watch her play for hours. I'll never forget when she beat the whole damn game. It was her accomplishment but it felt like a group effort. Ha! Just a couple weeks ago Dustin and I rented the new Sonic movie. I thought of her the whole time and even texted her afterward to tell her so. It was the last text I sent to her. 

I remember her always doing our hair (big with lots of hairspray of course) and makeup for special events. I really loved when she made me into a dead cheerleader for Halloween one year. For my 8th grade social (the biggest deal there is - bigger than prom was for me) she picked me up from school early (told them she was my mom) and took me (and maybe Val?) to get our hair and makeup done at the mall. She dropped us off at my mom's house and stayed the entire time helping us make sure our dresses and jewelry were just right. She drove us to the dance and even came inside for a bit to take photos. Lots of the group photos I have from that dance were thanks to her. I wasn't embarrassed to have her there. I was proud that I had such a cool older cousin who in a lot of ways was like an older sister and sometimes even a mother. 

She schooled Nikki and I in music with an emphasis on her beloved hair bands. She loved Motley Crue and especially Nikki Sixx something fierce, hence her daughter's name. She also loved heavy rock and metal and frequented concerts. My memory is a little hazy on this one but I remember the three of us driving down to South Florida when I was in high school to see Linkin' Park but we didn't make it in time. Sure it was a bummer but the journey was just as fun as the destination would have been. 

She was a PASSIONATE Florida Gator fan but an even bigger Cowboys fan. I remember knowing who Troy Aikmen and Emmett Smith were by the time I was 7. Then years later I started dating a Steelers fan and for the last 15 years she and Dustin would playfully take jabs at one another. 

After she married Rodney she moved to Alabama and I saw her much less frequently. She came down for my own wedding soon after and not only did Nikki perform our ceremony beautifully but Jodi was the one who made the whole thing legal by notarizing our marriage certificate. So in a way Dustin and I were married by both Nikki and Jodi and we're forever grateful for your love and support for us on that day and all the other random days too. 

I'm always a little weary of new apps because there are just so many these days. How can they all be worth it, right? Another cousin of mine on the other side of my family (shout out to Hayley) convinced me to get snapchat many Christmas' ago. It seems like such a dumb thing but Jodi and I talked all the time, if not daily, via Snapchat up until her diagnosis. She wasn't big on phone calls so it  really became such a perfect way to connect with her and feel like we're still apart of one another's daily lives. We both loved sending each other snaps of our pets. I'd also send her snaps of all the dumb things Dustin would do and she'd tell me how hilarious he is. I'm glad we could bring some joy to her from so far away. It really was such a fun way to keep in touch in between visits. I already miss that. 

She was sarcastic and so stubborn and always late and a bit messy but damn did she love fiercely - her family, her friends, her pets, her children, and her husband. She was the most thoughtful person. I can't even count the number of times I'd come home from work and there would be a package at my front door from her for no reason other than she was thinking of me or Dustin or our cats. I mean, she'd even send Steelers stuff which is a HUGE deal for the biggest Cowboys fan ever. She was that thoughtful to everyone she cared about. She enjoyed making jewelry and I remember smiling every time I'd see her"check-in" on Facebook to her "Crafty Room" because I knew she was having fun. 

For someone who always felt on the outside, especially on that side of my family, she sure had a way to always make me feel included. I think that's why I relate to her and Nikki so much. The three of us always marched to the beat of our own drum, but Jodi especially so, and proud as hell the entire time. I always admired that about her. She didn't give in to societies expectations when it came to religion or politics or stereotypes or any of it. She was unabashedly herself - take it or leave it. She certainly influenced me to be my true authentic self which started as a teenager but something I fully embraced in my 20s. Thank you for that Jo. 

Thank you for the pool days and joint birthday parties. Thanks for all the sing-a-longs in your Honda Civic. Thanks for picking up Pookie when I was scared of him for growling at me. Thank you for being a part of my entourage to get my first tattoo on my 18th birthday. Thank you for the countless stories. Thank you for the love and support. Thanks for showing up. Thanks for the memories. 

Love you forever, 

Smashley/Ash-the-Smash

And to Nikki, Alex, Tracy, Rodney and every other single person who knew and loved her my heart breaks along with yours.

Yesterday I thought to look back on our old snapchat conversations not thinking I'd find much since the whole point of snapchat is to see something once only to have it disappear right after, but I was pleasantly surprised. Weirdly, coincidentally, and possibly magically I came across her request to use Flogging Molly's 'If I Ever Leave This World Alive' when her time came. She sent this to me over two years ago and I know we both thought back then that we had so much more time. That's what humans do. You assume there is still so much time. Although we didn't get as much time with Jo as  we would have liked I take comfort in knowing she is no longer in pain and finally at peace. But all of this still hurts like hell. I did my best with the video below and included her requested song.