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I need to get better about posting these more frequently.


1/21/18
I didn't know who Nick Foles was until tonight. Now that I know I don't care.

1/22/18
I find it strange that teenagers don't care about getting their license at 16 anymore. FAAAAHREEDOM!

1/26/18
Why do the best tattooers have the shittiest tattoos?

1/28/18
The thing about the Grammys is I don't know who anyone on pop radio is.

1/29/18
Cheeto and I tag teamed a giant mosquito that got in the house. He stunned him with his paw and then I took him out with a napkin.

With Star Wars, you can never use something that happened in a book to argue against something that happened in a movie. The movies are the ultimate canon.

The opposite is true of Harry Potter.

— Rainbow Rowell (@rainbowrowell) January 29, 2018

Las Vegas Shooter:
Not an immigrant
Sandy Hook Shooter:
Not an immigrant.
Charleston Church Shooter:
Not an immigrant.
Aurora Movie Theater Shooter:
Not an immigrant.
Texas Church Shooter:
Not an immigrant
Columbine Shooters:
Not immigrants.#SOTU

— Michael Skolnik (@MichaelSkolnik) January 31, 2018

1/31/18
Olivia Munn changed her dog's instagram account names and now all hope is lost of her and Aaron Rogers getting back together.

Just got my billing statement. We spent $10,300 in daycare in 2017. In case you forgot to take your birth control this morning.

— David Dennis Jr. (@DavidDTSS) February 2, 2018

2/4/18
I hate when you shuffle your iTunes and even though you have thousands of songs the same 5 keep popping up. You're going to tell me to try Spotify, right? #notinterested

Which of you assholes are causing Justin Timberlake continue to be relevant?

— Georgia Hardstark (@GHardstark) February 4, 2018

Normalize women not being baby incubators by showing them in pregnancy test commercials celebrating negative results

— Rachel Fisher (@TheRachelFisher) February 3, 2018

2/4/18
Rebecca/Mandy's hair and makeup is still perfect even though she was supposed to be sleeping and survived a burning house?

2/7/18
White nail polish always looks like you spilled white-out on yourself.

This video cassette I found at my grandmas house still makes me laugh so much pic.twitter.com/1c0M9Ag6IV

— Hamish Steele @ MCMLDN Comic Village (@hamishsteele) February 7, 2018

2/8/18
Remember when you could charge your iPhone AND listen to something on your earbuds? #goodolddays

2/11/18
I had a nightmare I ate a tide pod.

2/14/18
I just got told that I'm Monica (as in Geller from Friends). Yep, totally anal, OCD, and particular. That's me!

You can tell new love (goes out to dinner/gets flowers at work) from old love (eats at home/flowers at home) on Valentine's Day.

Ever notice Jim says DUHwight instead of just Dwight?

I know, right? It's almost like doing absolutely nothing to stop school shootings hasn't worked at all. https://t.co/IKsBhhh6IZ

— shauna (@goldengateblond) February 14, 2018

2/16/18
I've had the kind of day where all I want to do is watch cat videos and eat thin mints from now to eternity. I don't drink but after today maybe I should start.

2/17/18
Do you ever just drive to the gym and sit in your car with music blasting sending a tweet about it because you don't want to actually go inside?

2/18/18
I'm 40% Pam and 60% Angela.

Marriage is pretending to be a bobsled team (I'm the pilot duh) while in bed while watching actual bobsledders compete in the Olympics. Fuck, I'm on lucky lady.

The same people that said 13 and 14 year olds were perfectly mature enough to date Roy Moore are now saying 17 and 18 year olds are too immature to have opinions on gun control.

— Nicole Does. Not. Miss. A. Meal. (@NicoleK8686) February 19, 2018

I think I figured it out: Liars think everybody lies.

— Sarah Silverman (@SarahKSilverman) February 21, 2018

2/25/18
Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end.

I think I figured it out: Liars think everybody lies.

— Sarah Silverman (@SarahKSilverman) February 21, 2018

Exciting perks of adulthood:

1. Busy! Busy all the time! What are you even doing? You don't know!
2. Very tired.
3. Some kinda stomach ache???
4. Definitely sad about something.
5. Bills! Bills all the time! What are you even paying for? You don't know!

— Woke But Petty (@marcformarc) March 1, 2018

3/4/18
Let 'American Idol' die.

3/6/18
Also let 'The Bachelor' die.

3/11/18
Did the UK just start celebrating Mother's Day? This is the first year I remember seeing Brits posting about it. At first I thought I had time traveled to May.

3/12/18
I'm seeing Taylor Swift's 'reputation' in a whole new light after recent events.

3/13/18
Something Corporate's 'Hurricanes' is playing in a restaurant right now and I'm suddenly back in high school.

3/16/18
I think I may have a slight case of restless leg syndrome and it is annoying the shit out of me because I can't sleep and me on no sleep is not a person anyone wants to be around.

Women are conditioned to be selfless. Like when a woman says she don’t wanna have children and/or not get married, she’s seen as an anarchist because what is our use if we are not existing for someone else?

— MXM (@mxmsworld) March 17, 2018

3/19/18
Sometimes the cure is thunderstorms outside and The Office inside with your person.

3/21/18
Things I keep hearing Dustin say/scream..."I haven't seen a mermaid.", "Do we have any bananas left?!", "Oh shit I'm getting eaten by a shark.", "THERE'S A TREASURE CHEST DOWN HERE!" #SeaofThieves

3/23/18
Do you ever wonder who is liking your posts from the toilet?

3/24/18
Between Dustin snoring and Cheeto vomiting it's been a really fun night.

3/29/18
I can hear Dustin listening to Toto's Africa on repeat in the other room.

3/30/18
I might just make it through with a little help from my friends - Rupi Kaur, Nikita Gill, and Hayley Williams. #hardtimes

It's that time of year when all the celebrities you follow on social media are posting from very exclusive tropical locations.

4/1/18
My favorite days are when I get the gym out of the way early, shower, change back into my PJs, and don't leave my house. Today is one of those days.

I miss being depressed every Sunday.

4/3/18
Notice all celeb couples who break up say something about "remaining friends or how the break up was amicable"? Just once I'd like them to be real and say "You couldn't pay me enough to be his friend and I hope he gets attacked by a rabid squirrel."

4/6/18
Having a giant painful underground zit is like having a horrible little secret that the rest of the world doesn't know about. YET.

I believe we should eliminate President’s Day as a holiday and make Election Day a national holiday in its place.

I can think of no better way to honor our Founding Fathers than to make it easier to participate in the democracy they founded.

— Brianna Wu (@Spacekatgal) April 8, 2018

4/9/18
It's cloudy and rainy and so incredibly dreary and it makes me so happy in the same way that most people love sunshine. (Not sarcasm.)

4/12/18
I really love to see when broken up couples are able to successfully co-parent their dog.

4/12/18
Random pet peeve: When people spell Pittsburgh without the H. For the record it is not 'Pittsburg' unless we're somewhere in between 1891-1911.