Eating a burger is basically like eating a second hand salad since cows eat grass.
Dustin watching me clean my face...
There are less steps in a shuttle launch.
My nose is running faster than Usain Bolt.
I made the mistake of liking one Lana Del Rey picture on instagram and now all I see are pictures of her smoking and looking sad all over my feed.
Kevin Federline was a treasure.
Kids are just old babies and we're elderly babies.
Me: Sorry it took me longer to call you back but I was petting a diabetic dog in our front yard named Bella.
Dustin: That's how you get murdered.
Me: Fuck. You're right.
Me: I'm going to clean house when we get home.
Dustin: I'm going to watch house when we get home.
Look how happy I am when I get exactly what I want!
You really came around the corner like a bat out of hell. My balls hit the floor and then the roof.
Happy 34th mushroom head.
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