Is there anything better than being an icy cool room, under goofy blankets, with a salt lamp glowing in the corner, while you eat ice cream after the longest day of your entire life?! No.
9/20/19
I just had to google "kombucha" after hearing about it for years. I never knew what it actually was. It's fucking tea. No wonder I never had any interest. Fun fact: my grandma used to get annoyed at the fact I didn't like tea. I can still hear her heavy sighs. And that's the tea.
9/22/19
Started on my hands, then breasts, and now my foot. 2019: year of the Eczema.
9/23/19
The amount of shit I lug into the office every day is just obnoxious (water tumbler, purse ,gym bag, and some days I add my laptop backpack). I need a wagon or octopus tentacles to carry it all.
Who needs a weather report when you can tell the level of humidity by how much or little your front door sticks when you open it?
9/25/19
Spilling water directly down your cleavage is the same as 2 cups of coffee. Scientific fact.
10/6/19
Is there anything more Florida than being a total grump because your tits have sweat so much they slid down to your knees but then you walk into an ice cold Publix and you instantly feel so alive you could skip?
10/8/19
It doesn't feel like October at all. Of course it physically doesn't because FL is a swampy armpit but also it just doesn't for some reason.
10/9/19
At what point in a woman's life does she decide she is no longer going to flush when using a public toilet? Because there are a lot of you ladies that just don't and I am truly puzzled.
10/13/19
Just looking at JoJo Siwa gives me a headache.
10/15/19
Why would I try to downscale me purse when I know damn well I am not a small purse kind of gal? I need to be able to carry my keys, wallet, kindle, lotion, sanitizer, pepper spray, mints, Swiss Army Knife, lipstick, meds, and glasses wipes. AND THOSE ARE JUST THE NECESSITIES.
10/26/19
Just experienced Bucees for the first time and it's true what they say - everything is bigger in Texas. #thewalmartofgasstations
why would i go out and spend $15 at a haunted house just to feel terror when i could stay home and swallow a large vitamin at a 45 degree angle for free— miel (@miel) October 29, 2019
10/29/19
I show my cat tattoos to strangers like my mom used to whip out her wallet photos in the 90s.
Me: Can you come kill this spider?
Dustin: Got it! It was just a daddy long legs .
Me: Now he's a dead-y long legs.
every office meeting in 2019 starts like this pic.twitter.com/rs0qeZulC5— Matt Buechele (@mattbooshell) October 30, 2019
10/31/19
The photos for back to school day are really boring. Sorry but I just don't care about kids in front of classroom doors all holding the same signs. BUT I LIVE FOR HALLOWEEN PHOTOS OF YOUR KIDS. So I'm not a totally horrible person.
11/1/19
You know what's truly scary (not some ghoul or goblin) and is a year long event? A long hair fallen from your head on your arm that you can't find but it lets you know it's still there by mimicking a spider.
Olive came running around the corner as soon as she heard me open the door like she was Baby and I was Swayze! If only she'd let me lift her above my head!
NO SHAVE NOVEMBER!!!!! pic.twitter.com/pTIbGahVST— eibot (@TobieTobieTobie) November 1, 2019
11/4/19
Can you use your sick time for a massive nostril zit? Asking for me and my new roommate.
you're telling me that when i email people they are gonna email me back again and then i have to answer THAT email, too? what the fuck— Kristen Arnett (@Kristen_Arnett) November 12, 2019
11/13/19
A co-worker complimented my outfit and I responded "Thank you so much! I really blossom in cold weather!"
11/15/19
The most surprising thing about 2019 is that I became a fan of Spencer Pratt.
11/16/19
I want to be a beauty YouTuber just so I can get facials once a week midday on a Tuesday.
holy fucking shit pic.twitter.com/xZjghhtl5D— bloe (@horrorflicked) November 15, 2019
11/17/19
2019 is the year everything broke so now I am too.
11/28/19
The real 10 year challenge is between the Panko crumbs my aunt had from 2009 in the pantry and the ones my cousin thankfully bought as a replacement.
11/30/19
After a night out I just rolled through a Dunkin like I was on my way to a Walmartians convention.
12/3/19
Guess who forgot they had a hole in their pocket and put a tampon in it on the way to the bathroom and it proceeded to slide out the bottom of her pants?
1/3/20
I had a dream I met Monica Lewinsky in the airport and we were laughing too hard to get a good selfie. Also she was traveling with a hamster. It was lovely!
1/8/20
As I'm laying on my yoga mat this morning Cheeto jumped from the chair over my body Free Willy style. Bud is 24 lbs. I've never been more scared.
1/24/20
January is full. No more births during this month please and thank you.
1/26/20
I love when someone who knows me doesn't REALLY know me asked when I'm having kids and someone else answers for me "She's not!! She has two cats!". Thank you. You've been paying attention.
No comments:
Post a Comment
Note: Only a member of this blog may post a comment.