Poor Kid Status

I grew up poor.

I always had a roof over my head, clothes on my back, and food in my stomach but I still grew up poor.

I shouldn't even have to preface this post by saying this but I will anyway. I'm well aware that there are much worse situations out there. Of course there are. I'm not writing this to complain or get sympathy. I wrote it because it's part of who I am. It's what helped shaped me whether I like it or not. I absolutely had everything I needed in terms of basic human needs but try telling that to a kid who sees their peers have more than them. This isn't a "poor pitiful me" sorry. No. This is just how I grew up and how I felt about certain things regarding our financial situation. 

The house I lived in for the first 17 years of my life was owned by my grandparents which meant my mom paid a seriously reduced rent. It was incredibly old. I believe it was built in the 1920s and only had one bathroom. It did have three bedrooms, however, the "guest" room that never saw one actual guest, was more of a junk room. It also housed the washer and dryer. Like I said, it was old and honestly scared me as a kid. The walls in the hallway were wood so it made it really dark. The closets were the same. I only used my closet for storage because it freaked me out to actually open the door. The house was under a huge oak tree which I'm certain was part of the reason we had so many damn roaches. I know everyone gets the occasional roach but we had them all of the time. I distinctly remember opening the fridge and one flying out. Yes, I said FLYING. These were crazy fucking roaches. I also remember one making an appearance while I had some girls over for a slumber party. Needless to say, I didn't really like having friends come over very often. I was always self conscious about how little we had and of course all the damn roaches. 

 

My house is the one on the top. My BFF growing up lived a couple blocks away. Hers is on the bottom.

My mom's car for my entire childhood was an early 1980's brown Toyota Corolla Wagon, much like this one. I was always so embarrassed by her car. I was embarrassed because it was old and I was embarrassed because it was ugly. I would duck while we would drive through certain parts of town. Even the kids I grew up with in our neighborhood would mention how hideous it was. They never made fun of me directly but by them hating on that stupid car it felt like an attack on me. 

Why is it that the toys you didn't get as a kid stand out more than the ones you did? As a little kid I was obsessed with those Fisher Price cars. It would be the first thing I would run to at someone else's house. I never had one of my own. This week at work we got on the subject of American Girl dolls (which was the inspiration for this particular blog topic). Just about every parent I know who has a daughter have gotten them an American Girl doll. Those suckers are so expensive. I knew as a kid they were expensive but only because I was told so. Hell, $20 felt like a million dollars as a kid so what did I know. I was telling the girls I work with how I always wanted one but, you guessed it, never got one. But you know what I did get? The catalog. Oh the 90's catalogs! When the catalog came in the mail every so often I would circle the dolls that I wanted and pretend to play with them with the cheapo off-brand dolls I did own. Speaking of catalogs, remember Delia's? Yep, same thing. I would circle all the clothes I wanted but would never ever get. 

I was the kid who got "free lunch" (aka your parents make so little that the school will feed you for free) from kindergarten through my senior year of high school. I was always jealous of the kids who sat in the cafeteria next to me who brought food from home in their cool lunch boxes or better yet had their parents bring them a happy meal. I was constantly stuck with whatever was on the cafeteria's menu. In middle school my dad would give me $20 every 2 weeks to put toward my lunches so I basically lived off of lunchables in those years. I don't remember eating full lunches in high school. I would grab a bag of chips here or a soda there and just eat when I got home. I was far too embarrassed to ever eat the free lunch available at my high school. 

I know middle schoolers now just sit in front of a screen all day but back in my day going to the mall was the shit. Any free time my friend's and I had was spent at the mall. I both loved and dreaded those times. The mall we used to frequent had a movie theater across the parking lot from it in the 90s, so a lot of times we would walk to the movies after a long day of boy watching in the food court. This sounds all fine and well until you're the poor girl of the group. All of my friend's parents would just hand them a 10 or even a 20 and send them on their way. I had to look for change in the couch cushions and beg my mom. But she didn't really have anything to give me either. I would rely mostly on birthday money from relatives and friends. You could say I learned how to budget at a young age. It was either that or I had to fake some reason I couldn't go. And I always wanted to go. 

I didn't have a TV in my room at my mom's house until high school. I took my TV from my dad's house when he packed up all of my stuff and put it on his porch to move me out and his new family in. I also didn't have a computer in my entire house until high school and even then we didn't even have the internet. The computer was a hand-me-down from my grandparents. It constantly had problems and wasn't even worth having. I would borrow friend's computers or go to the library to type up any school reports. I never owned a gaming system. The only time I got to play Mario Kart or Zelda or Sonic was when I was at someone else's house. 

I was never into sports but after my BFF in middle school, Val, told me she was starting karate, I too, wanted to take karate. Well that shit is expensive. Like hundreds if not a couple thousand dollars. Needless to say, my grandparents footed the bill for that one. I took karate for a year thanks to them. They were the reason I got to experience so many things when I was younger because there would've been no way my mom would've been able to afford Hanson tickets, my homecoming dress, Disney, braces, a trip to the West Coast, yearbooks, etc. That was all my grandparents. Without them my childhood would have been much different. 

My mom was constantly stressed out about money. If I even mentioned a new this or that she would say "I'm not made out of money you know!" and get all defensive. I would roll my eyes and stomp to my room. I just wanted what everyone else had. She made me feel that the reason she didn't have money was my fault. Hell, maybe it was. I didn't grow up in the lap of luxury by any means. I struggled with a lot of embarrassment about our financial situation. But at the same time, that struggle taught me a lot. Of course it wasn't until later in life that I realized it but I appreciate the things I have so much. I'm still not living some extravagant life but I am able to buy what I need AND want. I know little me would be so excited over the fact that I'm typing this from my very own iMac. She would be thrilled that Dustin and I go to the movies all the time and that I can buy clothes online anytime I want.

If I could go back and change things I wouldn't. Sure, I'd love to be the girl in school with the coolest JNCOs or fanciest CD player but I turned out just fine without those things. It was hard living in the moment but it also shaped me into who I am right now. And I love who I am right now. I don't say that in some conceded way but in a way that I've been through a lot, and although I'm not perfect, I feel I've grown into someone I'm proud to be. Because I was hardly ever just given things, I appreciate them so much more than the kid who got everything growing up. I have had to work hard for the things I have and the places I've been. I don't take any of it for granted. I know how to budget and even though I'm not against splurging here and there, I mostly live very frugally because of how I grew up.

It's tough being the kid who doesn't have what your friends do. It makes you feel like you're some kind of weirdo or just living on the outside of their world. But being different isn't a bad thing. I actually embrace it as an adult. Here's to all the kids out there who don't have it all but will someday.