Some might find this strange given how open I am about not wanting children but I'm still human. I'm not some heartless robot. Dustin and I discuss how we would handle certain parenting situations quite often even though we aren't parents. I think it's normal. It's like when you talk about how your wedding day will be even though you are single. Just because it's not in your immediate future (or in our case future at all) doesn't mean it isn't something that is interesting to talk about.
It's funny how so much of the way you were raised can affect the way you choose to parent. There are a lot of things my mom did that I don't agree with but at the same time there are a lot of things that I surprisingly do agree with.
Obviously this is all very hypothetical because I do not have any children nor do I plan to. And just because I might disagree with an actual parent or parenting method does not mean I'm right and you're wrong. AT ALL. Real life actual parents have experience that I will never have and therefore their opinions and methods outweigh mine every day all day. These are just my opinions as a childfree married woman of 31. That's it.
I am interested to know (well, not THAT interested) how many of my views would change upon having a child. I'm sure I'd budge here and there but there are certain things I stand very firm on.
So this is how I would parent my kid, you know, if I had one:
Birth: I'm not a fan of home births only because I'd be super paranoid if something went wrong I wouldn't be close enough to a doctor. So for me, I'd want to deliver in a hospital. This is all hypothetical BUT the truth is I would have to have a c-seciton anyway given my past health issues so I wouldn't really have a choice. But I'm team hospital all the way.
Circumcision: I never thought much of this growing up. It was something boys just had done and that was that. But as I've become an adult I've come to have the belief it's a cruel and unnecessary step. If I had a boy I would opt not to have it done.
Breastfeeding: I think I'd be more of a pumper if anything. My mom fed me formula and I was just fine.
Vaccinations: I'm 100% pro-vaccinations. Vaccinations have done so much good for children and society as a whole that I really don't understand why some people are so against them.
Social Media: I get wanting to flood everyone's feed with someone you created and love but you have to hold back a little. Not only is it just annoying to other people but not every picture and not every moment you have with your kid should be put on blast. Actually I think only a very small portion should be made public. Now I would totally send more to my close friends and family but I would be really mindful not to over post on social media. Once they have a voice and an opinion about posting I would try to respect that. I've heard of some kids not wanting their parents to put things on FB and I would completely understand if he or she came to me and said that. On a lighter note, I'm really against putting your baby as your profile picture unless you are also in the photo. It's just a stupid pet peeve of mine.
Eating Habits: Dustin and I both had horrible eating habits growing up. My mom didn't cook so I was raised on TV dinners and lunchables. Dustin was never forced to eat anything green and now as an adult still won't eat any kind of vegetable. I don't cook (like mother like daughter). I don't know how and when I have tried I really didn't like it. It stresses me the hell out. If there were ever a reason for me to learn it would be having my own kid. I would want them to eat at home as much as possible. I would want them to have balanced meals and they would be forced to try everything at least once. You can't say you don't like something without first trying it. This isn't to say I would ban a happy meal or whatever but it would be few and far in between. I would not allow my child to have soda or juice at all until middle school age. I would want them to drink 99% water (maybe milk or low-cal gatorade here and there). I also don't agree with kids drinking coffee. Coffee wouldn't be allowed until high school. Obviously I wouldn't always be able to control what they eat when they go to a friends house or when they go to school but I'd do my best.
Toys: Kids have so many toys. I mean I don't have any but I know they do. I want my kids to have toys but the minute their toy situation got to be too much I would donate the toys and/or request that friends and family not gift them anymore. Instead I would rather them get books or donate money to their college fund. I'm also not someone who is strict about gender specific toys. If I have a girl and she likes Ninja Turtles then I will buy her Ninja Turtles (and they don't need to be girly). If I have a boy who wants to play with a doll then a doll is what he gets. I'm ok with nerf guns or water guns but I would not allow a toy gun (that looks like an actual gun) in my house ever.
Affection: My mom didn't kiss or hug me at all growing up and still to this day it's awkward if we do happen to hug. My dad on the other hand gave me hugs and told me he loved me. I would be affectionate with my kid. I would kiss and hug and cuddle with them any chance I could. Kids should be shown love from day one and I would want them to grow up where that was the norm. The one thing I'm not comfortable with is kissing kids on the lips. I'm not saying it's wrong for other parents to do so, I'm just saying I don't like it for me. I remember there was a whole thing when Victoria Beckham kissed her daughter on the lips and there were people on both sides of it. Personally I don't kiss anyone on the lips except for my husband. That's just me though.
Birthdays: I'm one of the rare people that don't get the big first birthday parties. I totally get as their parent you're excited for the milestone but a one year old has no idea what the hell is going on. I would certainly have a party but I would keep it small to close friends and family - maybe 20 people at most (and that still seems like too many). I feel like the big birthdays are 5, 10, 13, 16, and 18. Those are the ones I would go all out for. At that point they have made friends and they have an input in what they want. The in-between birthdays would still of course be celebrated but on a small scale. Maybe a fun day out somewhere or have a friend spend the night.
Chores: I think it's important for kids to have chores (without having an allowance). There would certain chores that are just part of our kids life. From doing dishes to sweeping the floor to cleaning their room to washing their own laundry. There would be consequences if their chores weren't done whether it be no TV or a friend not coming over. I would give an allowance here and there for extra work they wanted to help out with but that's it. I don't believe in a weekly or set allowance for a kid.
Staying home alone: I started staying home alone when I was 11. It started out only 30 min to an hour and as I got older my mom would leave me alone for longer periods of time. I think 11 yrs/middle school age is an acceptable age to leave your child home alone. But I also think each kid is different. Some kids mature faster than others so I would definitely take that into consideration. I was always very mature and responsible. I didn't cook (because duh I can't). I didn't open the door for anyone. I didn't light candles. I honestly just watched TV or talked to my friends on the phone.
Electronics: This is the one I think about all the time because technology is such a huge part of everyone's life. I see parents give their baby their iPhone to chew on and ultimately throw on the floor. NOPE. iPhones are not toys and therefore would never be given to my crying baby. That's what actual baby toys are for. Why would you give something that costs hundreds of dollars that also has every detail of your life in it to a fucking baby?! No, just NO. I'm also against iPads for kids in restaurants. I rather my child color or read a book if anything. But when I grew up which wasn't in ancient times (shout out to the 90s); we had Game Boys but I don't ever remember seeing kids playing them in a restaurant. They were strictly for home or car rides. Is it so crazy to want to be able to eat a meal without a distraction? Maybe these days it is. And honestly I don't think I would buy an iPad specifically for my kid. They have tablets specifically made for children with learning apps so I would go more towards that than again something that costs hundreds and hundreds of dollars. (Please read
this post if you don't understand why I'm frugal as fuck.) There's also the topic of seven year olds with their own phones and some of those iPhones. LIKE WHAT?! Nope. If we gave our kid a phone at all it would be one of those pre-paid cell phones that only makes phone calls. They could have that until they are 16. And even when they are 16 they can certainly get an iPhone but they will need to pay for the phone and their part of the bill each month out of their own money. I will never understand how parents of teenagers just keep buying them new phone after they lose or break a phone. NOPE! They need to learn how to take care of something especially something with so much value. I bought my own first cell phone (shout out to Nokias circa 2002) when I was a Junior in high school and had my own job. I also paid my part of the bill each month. It really taught me a lot of responsibility. I was given very little and just because Dustin and I are better off than our parents were doesn't mean our kid would be handed everything.
Beauty: I didn't get my first pedicure until I was in high school. Nowadays I go to a nail salon and a 5 year old is sitting next to me. I don't agree with that at all. Personally, I would not allow my daughter (or son) to get a professional manicure or pedicure until middle school. I would just paint a 5 year old's nails at home. There's no need for a visit to a salon at that age.
I remember posting a whole blog on the subject of ear piecing years ago. I hate when babies have their ears pierced. I think a kid should be not only old enough to ask for it (since it's their body) but also old enough to take care of it. Also, I remember getting my ears pierced was a super exciting day spent with my step-mom at the time. It's about bonding and the whole experience. I wouldn't want to force ear piercing on a kid who has no interest in it.
When it comes to hair dye I wouldn't allow my kid to do it until high school unless it was just one of those Halloween spray bottles. I think hair dying is something you do when you're older. Not only that but then there's the fact I'm highly allergic to dyes which means there could be a chance my kid could be too.
I would allow shaving around 5th/6th grade. I remember sneaking shaving my legs and I cut them all up. I wouldn't want my kid to sneak. I'd like to be able to walk them through how to do it.
I'm not a big make-up wearer at all and I would want my daughter to feel comfortable without it. I am more pro-skin care rather than makeup. But if my daughter wanted to wear makeup I would let her wear very very little in middle school and more in high school. I'd just want her to know she is beautiful with or without it.
Religion: Religion would not be apart of our kid's life since Dustin and I are agnostic/atheist. If they had questions about certain religions as they got older I would try and answer as best I could. I'm a strong believer in not pushing any religion on your kid. I think that's something that they should figure out on their own. Of course if our kid became religious as they got older or into adulthood we would still accept them for who they are. But I would want them to come to that determination on their own. Science would be a huge part of their upbringing. I would want my kid to know the difference between fact and belief.
Homosexual/Transgender: It would not make a difference to either of us if our kid turned out to be gay. Love is love. End of story. They would still be our kid and absolutely nothing would change. The same goes for transgender, even though this one is harder for me to understand. I would still love and accept my kid no matter what. However I do not agree in transitioning until after they are 18. I would want them to make that decision as an adult.
Curfew: Obviously a curfew depends on a teen's age and again the teens's maturity. But given this is all hypothetical I would say 10pm for 14-15 year olds, 11pm for a 16 year old, and midnight for a 17 year old.
Job: I would want my kid to have a job when they turn 16. I would hope that they would want to get a job on their own in order to make extra money but that's not always the case. The only way I'd be ok with them not working is if they were very active in sports or some other after school activities and couldn't do both. Otherwise I believe a teenager should have a part time job as soon as they are able. First jobs are so important in teaching budgeting skills and appreciation for how much a dollar is really worth. That being said they would have to pay for their own car insurance, gas, etc.
Car: I would absolutely hope Dustin and I would be able to get our kid their first car. But when I say first car I mean used as fuck. I would of course want something safe and reliable but also older. I will never understand parents who give their teenagers brand new or slightly used cars. Nope! I mean my first car was almost as old as I was and I absolutely loved it. Dustin and I would let our kid drive all the time when they had their learner's permit so they could really get used to real life driving and not driver's ed parking lot driving. I might need to take a whole bottle of Xanax to get through it but whatever.
Dating: I never understood why parents (and I'm not one so maybe it's why I don't get it) freak out about their kids dating. It's a natural part of being an adolescent. It's going to happen whether you want it to or not. We all had "boyfriends" or "girlfriends" in middle school. We maybe held hands, kissed at a dance, and if we were really serious go to a group movie date. I think all of that is perfectly acceptable. Now things get trickier in high school. I feel like the stricter you are the more your kid is going to lie and do things behind your back. That's not to say there wouldn't be any rules but they should be reasonable. If our kid was getting serious I would absolutely want to meet this other person and I would include them in family activities.
Sex: I would be very open with my kid (boy or girl) about sex from as early on as possible. I think I would start to introduce the basics around 9 or 10 but as they went into middle school and especially high school, I would go into more detail. As awkward as it probably is to get the whole "Where do babies come from?" question I would want to be honest in the simplest way. Not only would I want them to know how it all worked but at a certain age I would also want to discuss contraceptives and STDs. I will never forget seeing an STD slide show in my 9th grade Life Management Skills aka Health class. Each slide showed a vagina and/or penis with a gnarly STD. That was eye opening to say the least and doubled as great birth control. I am pro teen birth control and HPV shots for girls. I rather them be on birth control as a precaution than not be and risk getting pregnant. The fact is most teens are going to start having sex before they graduate high school so I rather them be on birth control and have access to condoms than not. That's not to say I would want my kid having all of this sex. I would try to instill the importance of being in love with someone before you give that piece of yourself away but more importantly waiting until you are absolutely ready. I hate when parents say to "wait until marriage" because that is not practical at all. I would also definitely talk to my kid about rape and how you can say no any time you want no matter what. I would definitely make sure if I had a son he knew no meant no and to be respectful no matter the circumstances. I would just want to keep the conversation going as much as possible. I think that's what's most important.
Drugs/Drinking: Dustin and I are extremely anti-drugs and we don't drink. I would instill the dangers of drugs - and yeah I'm talking cigarettes, weed (yeah yeah I can see the eye rolling from here), and of course the hardcore stuff like meth and heroin. Cigarettes are not only a disgusting, expensive habit but they can be deadly. If you can make it through your teens without picking up a cigarette than it's probable you won't pick it up later in life. Now when it comes to weed I think if you are a full on adult who choose to do it in the privacy and comfort of your home go for it. But do I want my teenager doing it? Fuck no. It's proven that you can become addicted to it. Plus you can't retain information (which you know is kind of important when in school). And honestly, being the stoner kid is just trashy as hell. If they want to try it when they move out and are in college then be my guest. I don't have a say at that point. I just can't be ok with a kid doing shit like that. Now most teens will try alcohol pretty early on and a lot of the times their parents let them drink at home. I don't agree with this at all. You're not allowed to drink until you're of age. Again, I know that's super naive but I'm not going to condone under age drinking ever. I'd want to have conversations about drinking and how dangerous it can be especially for girls at a party and when driving. There's just so many factors that freak me out. I would hope that my kid would feel comfortable enough to call us if they had been drinking so we could pick them up. Honestly I would be so proud if that happened.
And that's that. All my parenting thoughts in blog form.
