Overwhelmed

Today was a rough day.

I'm feeling so many things but the one world that kind of encompasses everything would be 'overwhelmed'. Work has been exhausting this week. I feel like I'm barely keeping myself above water. My whole department is feeling that way so there is comfort in knowing I'm not the only one. We're all working together the best we can. But it was just so much extra today. It seemed like there were extra phone calls and emails and fires to put out. I felt like I was constantly moving or talking or problem solving. Me being the introvert I am I need time where I can just take a breather and not having that stresses me out even more.

It's not only been a hectic work week but politically I am feeling crushed.
And emotional.
And defeated.
And sad.
And drained.
And out of options.

Just this week...
Mike Pence broke the Senate tie to allow states to defund Planned Parenthood.
Trump signed an Executive Order that will undo Obama's climate policies.
Congress voted to allow internet providers to sell your browsing history. Thank these guys.

That all happened JUST THIS WEEK.
Fuck women's healthcare.
Fuck clean air.
Fuck privacy.

So yeah I'm feeling all the fucking horrible feelings. I'm not giving up. No no no no. If anything I'm going to be doing even more than I already have been doing. We have lost so many battles but the war wages on and I urge those who have been fighting the good fight to continue on as all. And those that haven't been involved, please care. And even more than caring please act. Numbers matter and the more we have the better.

So I left work feeling anxious. Really anxious. I tried to talk myself out of going to the gym about 10 different times. But I still went. To those that work out or run on the treadmill on a regular basis, do you just have days when your body feels heavier? Each step feels harder than ever? I don't know if it's real or if it's all mental but I felt like my body had these imaginary weights on them. I did a full 30 minutes though.

Afterwards I went next door to Tijuana Flats. I figured ending my day with tacos would be the way to go. When it was my turn the manager took my order. While doing so he asked me how my day was going. I am maybe the one person who doesn't lie when asked this question. I just wear my emotions on my sleeve so might as well tell the truth, right? I responded with a sigh and said "I've certainly had better...tacos should help". When I tried to give him my card to pay he said it was on him and that he hopes I had a good night. I gave him this look like are you fucking kidding and then proceeded to thank him 20 times. I was so genuinely taken aback that I almost started crying. It's not the money but the fact a stranger was so randomly kind. Sure, the tacos helped but the kindness spoke even louder.

When I walked in the door Dustin ran and gave me a big hug before I could even put my stuff down. Again, I felt like crying. I nuzzled into the nape of his neck and breathed in his freshly washed skin. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. As I type this I still feel anxious but I also feel a bit better.

I'm grateful for the reminder that kindness wins.

Always.

Nevertheless, she persisted.