I was always a healthy, normal size as a kid except for my 3rd-4th grade years when I went through a chunky stage. But I grew out of it , quite literally, as I got taller.
I've never been the "skinny girl" in the group. My body is not built like that. Growing up I was taller than all of my friends. Not only that but we wore drastically different sizes of clothing. Also I started growing boobs in 4th grade. I felt very much like an outsider body-wise with my friends in elementary and especially middle school.
In high school I finally started to become comfortable with all I was working with. I was at a healthy weight and my boobs were fully formed. I remember the first few weeks of my freshman year getting mistaken for a senior several times. This was of course flattering to me.
After high school I put on some weight as many do. It was just that new found freedom of going out with friends for breakfast and lunch and dinner. Ha! It was late night parties in friend's apartments that had all kinds of snacks. Also I was going to college full time and working part-time so many of my meals were grabbed on the go. So it goes.
A few months before my 20th birthday I met Dustin. We fell in love instantly which sparked Walmart runs at 2 AM for Ben & Jerry's. We went out to nice dinners almost every weekend I came to visit him in Palm Coast. We were young, in love, and enjoying every bit of it including eating whatever the hell we wanted. As you can guess I put on more weight that first year or so we were together.
When we lived in Palm Coast in our early twenties I weighed 160 which is a good 20-30 lbs overweight for me. Once we moved in together
Then in October of 2009 I had a gum graft surgery which, in the end, was worth it but during was pure hell. Due to my bottom gums receding which is not only painful but bad for your teeth because it exposes the root my oral surgeon took gum from the roof of my mouth and grafted it at the site of the 4 receding teeth. As you could imagine I could barely eat. I had stitches on the roof of my mouth and the bottom. I was miserable. It took about a month to really feel like myself again and in that time I lost 20 pounds which was kind of a blessing in disguise because we got married that March.
I stayed at that ideal 140-145 for years. Once we moved back to Orlando in 2011 I got a membership at Planet Fitness. I also would go to yoga with Erin on a regular basis. It was fairly easy to maintain because I was now in a place that made it easier to be active.
Fast forward to December 2015 when I started to have severe anxiety attacks. I would wake up in the middle of the night with them and even started to pass out from them on occasion. My doctor prescribed anti-depressant/anxiety medication and within a week or two I was feeling like a normal person. My whole life i kind of turned my nose up at that kind of thing. "Well, I can manage my anxiety without meds just fine." HA! It was a huge humbling learning experience that's for sure. My doctor has asked me every time I see him if I would like to try and go off the meds. He has said some people need them for a lifetime and others temporarily to get them through. Of course I don't want to have to take a pill each day but it's much better than feeling like you're going to die or having to pull your car over because you might pass out. So visit after visit I told him I would like to stay on them. Apparently it is well known that these types of meds can contribute to weight gain. I didn't realize that and slowly I put on the pounds. It was so slow that it almost felt like it happened overnight. But once it happened I noticed it in a big way. NO pun intended. I couldn't button some of my favorite shirts anymore. It was a struggle to pull up my pants and so much for some that I no longer try because it'll just end in tears when I admit they just don't fit anymore. I noticed my boobs spilling out of my bra. So during my last visit to see my doctor in May I asked him about what we could do med-wise. He suggested I start cutting the pills in half; going from 10 mg to 5 mg. Obviously this wasn't going to fix the problem but he said it would help me from gaining any more weight. I was nervous to what that would mean for my anxiety. Overall I'm still doing ok. There have definitely been more minor episodes of "break-through" anxiety but it has been manageable.
I'm not blaming this weight gain 100% on the anti-anxiety meds although I think they are a huge factor. I'm a girl who loves to eat. I love to eat good food not good-for-you food. Dustin and I don't have kids which means we are able to go out to eat more than most which is great and also not so great. So yeah, my meds needed tweaking but so does my diet.
I recently went in for my annual gynecologist appointment. While there I asked if the nexplanon implant that I was planning on getting would cause weight gain. My doctor said that is is very uncommon to gain weight while using the nexplanon birth control method. I was so relieved and I'm sure she could tell. She looked at my chart and said she had noticed a jump in my weight within the past year. She didn't make me feel ashamed or bad. She just said it in a helpful way. She suggested I start with smaller portion sizes and see if that helps. I'm going to go beyond the portion size suggestion. I want to limit my sugar intake considerably which is honestly the toughest for a girl like me who has the biggest sweet tooth. I always always want something sweet after dinner but I'm going to try my hardest to not partake in dessert. I'm also going to try and limit my carbs as much as possible and focus on protein. I'm a big water drinker in general but I want to up my water intake even more and while doing so cut out all other drinks. The only time I really want a soda is if I go out to eat so my plan is to not go out much at all. I'm toying with the cheat meal idea on Saturdays but I'm not sure because it's easy to turn cheat meals into cheat days and then cheat weekends and bam you're off the fucking wagon. I'm not going into this unrealistically. I know I'm going to stumble along the way. I know I will be disappointed in myself with certain decisions I'll certainly make. But at the same time I'm really hoping I can change some things in my life that will help in my weight loss. I'm never going to be able to cut everything "good" out of my diet because that's just miserable and I refuse to be miserable with my one and only life. I don't need ice-cream EVERY night. But once a week? Sure. That's reasonable. Yes, my goal is to lose weight - 30 lbs to be exact. But more than anything I want to just love my body again. If I can lose the weight in the process than that to me is the bonus. I'm so tired of being at war with my body. I'm so sick of tearing myself down. I'm over it all.
So to keep myself accountable I plan on blogging once a week about my progress (or possibly lack of progress). I feel like this will help me make better decisions and in turn help me reach my weight loss goal and love my body once more. But I also realize I could totally fail at this. I'm just forcing myself not to focus on that.
I see before and after photos and I'm always like "Damn! That person looks great. They worked so hard. Good for them." I never see just plain old 'before' photos. But that's what I'm going to post below. This is how I look right here right now.
No sucking in.
No clothing tricks.
No photoshop.
Just my body as I see it every single day.
Weight 174.2
Bust 40
Waist 34
Hips 42
Thighs 34
Arms 12.5
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