Pushed Off A Ledge

Last week I posted the scariest blog post ever. It was real, deep, and honest. I wore my feelings on my sleeve. Then I shared the link on Facebook! And then I hyperventilated.

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I am very sensitive. I'm tough here and there but I'm mostly just sensitive. It's a gift and a curse all rolled into one. I was scared to post it for the public to see because I didn't want to be ripped apart. I was nervous that maybe people wouldn't be as open minded as I had hoped. I was nervous that maybe someone or everyone would look at me differently. Treat me differently. Then I'd get this little voice in my head that would say "Fuck 'em". And two minutes later I'd go back to having a panic attack. Because even the toughest people care a little bit. I know we all say we don't care what people think or say and I'm sure it's true sometimes, but not always. It can't be true all of the time. Caring means we are human. And as much as I would like to say I didn't care, I did a little. Surprise! I'm human! But I didn't want it to stop me from posting it. I had poured my heart out for a reason. I was proud of what I wrote. And even though I knew it would be hard, I wanted people to read it.

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I had emailed it a month ago to Sam and Erin to read. They were both extremely supportive. Sam kept asking me when I was going to post it on my blog. I responded every time with "It isn't ready"or "I'm scared" and she would respond "DO IT". Thank you for the push off that ledge. I needed it.

I posted it on my blog on Wednesday. Whew. I did it.

Then Friday I posted the link on Facebook. Dustin was right there next to me literally holding my hand as I pressed 'post'. Welp, this it. I felt a wave of anxiety. It was like someone had just strapped me into a roller coaster and I had no choice but to ride it.

I kept telling myself that it was MY opinion about MY body written on MY blog. And it helped to ease my mind. If people wanted to rip me apart, so be it. It would hurt but some things are worth the pain.

So I braced myself.

But then something pretty amazing happened. Something I hadn't expected. People started "liking" it. People were leaving really sweet comments. People texted me. People got it. My close friends, my distant Facebook friends, people WITH kids, people without - everyone was being so incredibly kind and understanding. Now I'm sure there were some that read it and didn't like a single word I had to say. That's fine. Truly, it is. Disagree with me all you want as long as you aren't being cruel about it. And no one was. There is hope yet.

Thank you friends.
For your support, your words, and your overall awesomeness.
Your love made me feel validated.
And for once, I didn't feel quite so weird.
I feel grateful to know all of you.