From Amazon:
When Rachel Bertsche first moves to Chicago, she’s thrilled to finally share a zip code, let alone an apartment, with her boyfriend. But shortly after getting married, Bertsche realizes that her new life is missing one thing: friends. Sure, she has plenty of BFFs—in New York and San Francisco and Boston and Washington, D.C. Still, in her adopted hometown, there’s no one to call at the last minute for girl talk over brunch or a reality-TV marathon over a bottle of wine. Taking matters into her own hands, Bertsche develops a plan: She’ll go on fifty-two friend-dates, one per week for a year, in hopes of meeting her new Best Friend Forever.
I quickly found that I had a lot in common with Rachel. And the more I read the more I wanted to go to her BFF "try-outs". I think I'd have a decent shot. There's definitely no way she would pick me last. I mean, we both love Harry Potter and Friday Night Lights! We'd never run out of topics to discuss. We're both child free (at least she was when she wrote the book a few years back), married and roughly the same age. But unlike her, I'm not close to my mom. I don't have relatives whom I see a lot or even that close knit group of work friends that she does. She explains in the book that the main reason she started her search was because she was in a fairly new town. Although, I was born and raised in Orlando, it feels brand new now. It's not the same Orlando I left when I moved to Palm Coast. When I came back three years later, more was different than the same. I sometimes feel like I'm in a seemingly new city trying to navigate all the different roads (ramps all over the place!) and trying to find people to connect with.
I, too, would like a new best friend. And like Rachel, I'm not looking to replace anyone. Just an addition. Erin is 1,000 miles away and although I hope we can maintain a friendship through the distance, I am finally coming to terms with the fact that it's impossible for us to be "bests" anymore. And my other "best" and I are just kind of in a weird place. I recently read a Miley interview where she said "I have a lot of people that I could call and hang out with, but I have very few friends, if that makes any sense". It makes sense to me girl! I can't believe I just quoted Miley but she makes a good point and I can totally relate. I have good friends I text with daily and see regularly. I have friends that I keep in touch with here and there. I have people I talk to once a year and it's cool. But at this moment in my life, do I have someone I can call and say "Hey, want to meet at Starbucks and chat about everything and nothing for 3 hours?". Nope.
I think everyone's definition of a BFF is different and probably changes over time and especially when our lives shift in a big way. For me, at this time in my life, the "perfect" BFF would be a girl close in age who "gets me". You know when you just click with someone? THAT. Someone I can talk to about all my feelings but also someone who can discuss the latest (stupid) Kardashian episode with just as much passion. Someone who is reliable, honest, sarcastic. Someone who laughs at the same stupid things as I do. Someone who enjoys nerdy stuff (extra points for a fellow HP lover). Someone I see and talk to on a regular basis. Contrary to popular belief, I do not have a text or hang outs limit that must be reached. I just want consistency. Texting multiple times a week and seeing someone multiple times a month would be ideal but there is no minimum requirement. Someone I can call at a moments notice to tell exciting or sad news to. Someone I can say anything around and nothing at all without feeling awkward. Someone who uses curse words as every day vocabulary. Someone who makes me a priority. Someone who makes me feel important. Yes I want all these things but I also want to be all these things for someone in return. I'm a good friend. Sure, I have my faults but I take pride in being a damn good friend. Most people I know have moms or dads or in-laws or co-workers that are a super supportive and loving force for them. And that's awesome. They are lucky. Some people don't have people like that in their life. I am one of those people. My BFFs ARE MY FAMILY and I treat them as such.
I think it's very telling that most of my friends (probably 95%) I've met through school or work. I don't know how else to "pick-up" a girl. I'm extremely shy around new people. I will never just walk up to someone. Also, I don't hang out at bars. Or bookstores. Or anywhere. I don't have a specific hang. There have been occasions where I'll be out and think to myself "She seems so cool. I want to be her friend!" but I never do a damn thing about it. I don't want a girl to think I'm hitting on her or being a total creep. Where is the line? After reading this book, Rachel said that most girls are flattered and open to friendship but never want to be the initiator. Totes understand! I definitely don't. But I guess someone has to say something and maybe I should try and be that someone or I'll never have a new friend and certainly not a new BFF. I am really going to make an effort to be more friendly to people. I always get annoyed when random people talk to me even though they usually mean well. I might try that route though. I have already started looking for different groups (book/crafts) to join so I can meet more girls. And maybe eventually I'll try a class of some sort. I think the biggest thing for me is being in a group of strangers. I hate it but it's key. I'm not going to meet anyone new by sitting at home updating my blog. I don't know if any of this will work but I think the first step is being open to new people and I really haven't been - at least not to this degree.
* * *
These are most of the quotes I highlighted in my Kindle while I read because they stood out for one reason or another.
"Research says female friendships are most at risk between ages 25 and 40, the career-building, child-rearing years."
"...there are four necessary behaviors to make a friendship stick. Self disclosure, supportiveness, interaction, and positivity."
"There's a lot that goes into personal interaction. You have a much richer understanding of someone when you are physically present with her than if you are talking over the phone or email."
"Finding a best friend is a low probability for anyone. But you only need one or two to ward off loneliness."
"Sitting with everyone in Miami, talking about the wild nights I've not been around for, that's when it hits me. Friend envy. Or, as I like to call it, frenzy."
"...there's so much more I want our of a BFF. But how do you say, "Looking for someone to call on a moment's notice, who will watch TV, talk books, laugh at nothing, and analyze others (from Charlie Sheen to my mom) with me when necessary. Someone who will talk me off the ledge from time to time. In return, I will support you in all you do, drive you to the airport whenever you need, and be up for a playdate always"?
"Popular culture has made it okay to yell "I want a man!" from the rooftops, so why are we still embarrassed to say, "I want a best friend"?
"This is why lifelong friends are so hard to supplement. The shared history is what makes our sleepover so entertaining. Whose Facebook page can I gawk with a newbie?"
"A 2010 study found that when the average person couples off, she drops two friends."
"A pair of researchers who studied U.S. national data from 1994 to 2004 found that married couples had fews familial ties and were less likely than single folk to socialize with neighbors or friends."
"Sociologist Ray Pahl, author of On Friendship, calls these kinds of friends - the ones you may not see for years but with whom you can always pick up where you left off - "fossil friends." It's a rare breed of pal, usually one with whom you've shared a significant life experience, but we all have them."
"Research shows that emotional closeness between friends declines by about 15 percent a year in the absence of face-to-face contact."
"I want someone with whom I can talk about the deep stuff - hopes and dreams and expectations and disappointments - and also the minutiae. Sometimes it takes talking about everything to get to the place where we can talk about nothing."
"So while my oldest relationships are incredibly dear, and it's true that they know me so intimately, it can be freeing to have relationships built on exactly who you are at this moment."
"If there's one single factor that can turn a potential BFF into a real one, it's consistency."
I highly recommend this book. It's incredibly interesting and insightful. I loved it, if you can't tell!
Rachel's blog/twitter.
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