Thought Vomit

I'm back. I'm here. Barely.
What a rough week. Emotionally and physically. Personally and work wise. Phew, it's over!

I think entirely too much. I also have way too many feelings. I have feelings about everyone and everything and quite honestly I wish I didn't. It would make my life so much easier if I just didn't give a shit about anything. But then again, what's the point if you don't feel? What a conundrum. I've had so many things eating away at me lately. One of which is this whole blog thing. I had several people (Sam, Erin, Nicole, and Dustin) voice their love for this little part of the internet that is all mine. And I thank you guys for that. I don't have any kind of readership (nor do I need or want one) and I don't have anything for sale.  This blog is here purely for my own enjoyment (and if other people read it and get enjoyment out of it too - then awesome!). So I started to ask myself what's the point? Why do I even have it if it's just for my own benefit? I could say all of this (and more) if it was private or on LJ. I still don't really know the answer to that. But I can say that even though 98% of the people who read the words I type are friends of mine, there's just something about pressing that orange 'publish' button that makes me happy. It's hard to explain but it's a feeling of free. It's a release. Somehow sending all of these things that I did, or Dustin said, or my feelings (whether silly or serious, happy or sad) out into the world makes me happy. The main reason is because I have something to look back on. This space is a digital scrapbook. A time machine that doesn't require me leaving my seat (which is awesome because I'm sure I'd get nauseated on a real time machine. Shit moves fast right?!) But again why do I keep it public? I don't know. Maybe because I'm used to it. Maybe because I wear my heart (and thoughts) on my sleeve. Maybe because it's therapeutic. Maybe because I just want to be heard. Regardless, the three day break was nice but I thought about G&G a lot. I thought about future posts I wanted to write even though I wasn't sure if I wanted to keep it ,which was when I realized I probably should. And I will. For now G&G moves on. Forward march.

I've been an emotional sinking ship this week but Dustin somehow always manages to get me to shore. He talks me down from the ledge and even gets me to laugh while doing so. He's given me some great advice and done so many awesome things that I didn't ask him to do. When the world knocks me around and when people leave - he's still there. Reliability is one of the most important traits in people (for me) and he's amazingly dependable. Even when I feel abandoned I still have everything because I have him. I am notorious for having high expectations for people in my life. It's who I am. It's not going to change and I'm learning to live with it. But I hold myself to the same expectations. It's simple shit like apologizing when I know I was wrong or sticking to my word or being honest etc etc. Dustin has zero expectations for every single person (excluding myself) in the world. I wish I was more like that. If I ever came across a genie, my third and final wish (after health and wealth) would be having no expectations.  Dustin said to me earlier this week "We're different from everyone else because we choose not to take anyone's shit." and it's true, we don't. It kind of sets us apart from most people. It can sometimes feel like we are our own alien race. But that's ok because we're together. So yeah, I've had better weeks but the nice part is a new one is always around the corner.

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I've been listening to Anberlin on a loop as I type this which should explain the following lyrics.

I've got your back if you've got my hand.

We all make mistakes sometimes
We all fail but we stand tonight
Look past, learn, and move on
-Audrey, Start the Revolution

Let the past be the past
Let's start today
-Stationary Stationary

And I finally found that life goes on without you
And my world still turns when you're not around
-Naive Orleans